Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Taking a break?

So as I was hopping around the blogs yesterday one post stuck out -- my main man Hubman and Veronica's "Swingshift." In a nutshell, it explains why they've decided to take a break from swinging for a little while:

"As it turns out we've grown frustrated with the work involved in finding playmates. It seems like all we've encountered lately are couples that don't follow up or seem intereseted in, I dunno, actually meeting. Assuming of course that we find them attractive in the first place!"

Read the whole article here.

It was so similar to a few conversations Vince and I had lately it made me wonder if you can take a break from swinging before, I dunno, you've actually swung!

Maybe I'm naive (okay, I am naive) but I had no idea how difficult this would be. Forget, for a moment, the emotional and relationship work it takes to finally get on to the same page. Forget, even further, the amount of personal growth that is required to mentally move from "I'm kinda curious....." to "I think I wanna...." to "I am going to....." Let's say you've finally slogged through all of that and now you're ready to get down to business; well, good luck with that.

Let's take up H&V's statement from our perspective.

"Assuming of course that we find them attractive in the first place!" This has been a bigger kicker for us than I thought. From Vince's point of view -- and one that I really had a tough time with initially because I bought the 'all men are barely contained horndogs' crap -- he really doesn't find a lot of women attractive as in, he's very selective. We've discovered that he certainly has a "type" both physically- and personality-wise but they are a rare breed in the swinging world from what we can tell. One thing he makes perfectly clear, they have to at least measure up to me, and I apparently set his bar pretty high. (He's sweet!)

But the truth is I do set the bar kinda high. First, he has a problem with "shallow." Now these ladies may be the epitome of depth and perspective but if so, they sure hide it well. He's also not too hip with "dumb." Again, lot's of folks talk about being smart in their poorly worded and typo-ridden emails. Maybe the disconnect is just with us. He (and I) also like people who are creative and, well, classy but it's kinda hard to believe the "we're a smart, classy couple" rhetoric when you're staring at 20 photos of ass and pussy in a public profile. Ditto for "discrete."


Our routine is Vince peruses our swinger site's profiles and bookmarks the ones where he finds the ladies attractive -- and there aren't that many within a reasonable driving distance. He scans the written info because the woman can be hot as hell and if the writing sucks or is non-existant, it's an automatic "pass." From there, I weed out the ones that I'm not that hip, too. After that, I read the profile and see what I think.

This is where my point of view is odder than I thought. I've always been attracted to a wide range of physical types. As long as you appear to take care of yourself, then personality is what matters. Well, I'm getting pickier and I seriously think it has to do with moving from the "forbidden fantasy" to the "sanctioned actuality." It's sort of like when I go shopping. When I don't have any money, everything looks good! When I go back to the store with cash in my pocket ready to spend, I'll look for hours and not find a damn thing I like.

Then we have the problem of NO MALE PHOTOS in the damn public profile. I'm cool if there's no face pic (there isn't one in ours) but no male at all means he's not an asset OR the man doesn't matter; both of which are a turnoff.

Once we settle on, say 10 or 12 profiles we think are interesting, I write an introduction email that is specific to the profile. Usually the first paragraph says exactly what it was that caught our eye. The second paragraph is a quick cut and paste that tells a little more about us that I modify a bit to suit each couple, and the last is how to contact us. All that takes time.

"It seems that all we've enountered lately are couples that don't follow up....." Shoot, they don't respond AT ALL. That's fuckin' rude, especially when you consider that all the sites have a generic "thanks but no thanks" button you can simply click on. Now granted, I don't respond to generic "Hey, wazzzup! Yo, you hot!! Chckd ur profil an pics! Wanna fuck!!" But I do respond to people who at the very least put our screen name somewhere in the email.

Other than the ones I've written about before on Ivey Lane, of all the couples we've contacted we've recieved exactly three responses, not counting the additional spam emails from folks posing as a couple wanting to contact us, but really just pushing their event. "Hey, checked your profile and liked what we saw. You'll have a great time at the ________ party! Only $50 per HAWT couple! See you there, sexies!!"


".... or seem interested in, I dunno, actually meeting." The three that did respond all said something along the lines of "hey, let's get together" but every time we suggest a time a place, they mysteriously go quiet.

To add to all of this, we already knew that we aren't the "party" types with the wacky dress up and the make-a-spectacle-of-yourself behavior. Neither of us ever really have been. We've also learned there's something kinda creepy for us about the swinger bar scene. We'll probably go to another one at some point in the future, but probably only if we're planning on meeting someone that we already know there. Again, neither of us are "meat market" types. Never have been.

On the upside, we're enjoying the vanilla world a lot more! Vince is not only comfortable but confident checking out the lovely ladies at his gigs. I'm much more open to enjoying myself on the dance floor knowing that he's not up on stage getting jealous while I enjoy myself. Together we check out waitresses or others that cross our path and it's a fun game.

When we're out and about we do occasionally encounter people that make us both go 'hmmmmm...." or give us that little jolt. If it's only one of us, we enjoy the jolt and move on. But every once in while, someone turns both our heads and we look at each other and think "how could we make this work?"

We're both more confident and I think it shows. We're also both more "out there" with our humor, our jokes, our interactions with each other and with others. Personally, I'm slowly shedding that constant feeling I used to have of being contained, of not being myself. And people are noticing.

In addition, I have my on-line flirty friends who fullfil a wonderful role in my life right now. Vince knows who they are and appreciates what they do for me and in a way, for him. An interesting phenomenon I realized the other day is that the more I engage my fantasies on-line, the more present I am with him when we're together. We're also able to share and more fantasies together, something we never did before we started this journey.

There's still plenty of room for growth and we're definitely open to and seeking new experiences but I have the feeling when we finally have them they'll be more organic, more of a natural flow from the mutual chemistry and the moment. We're becoming more clearly defined as a couple and more aware of each other as separate individuals.

In the end, I wouldn't say that Vince and I are "taking a break" from our pursuit of adventure but we are relaxing a bit, breathing into it, letting the tension go. Opportunities are on the horizen and we're keeping our eyes open but we're not banging our heads against the wall quite so hard anymore. And that's really all we needed a break from.


  1. The no response problem is our greatest pet peeve on-line. It even beats people who send e-mails where it is obvious they haven't read any part of our profile, but we still at least send them a note back!

  2. One of Roaring Lion's Rules to live by is:
    "The very use of the word classy, removes one from the set of classy individuals"

    Another is
    "If a person needs to explain that they're smart, it's unlikely they are."
    (this is closely related to "any pursuit that feels the need to call itself a science, probably isn't, see political science, computer science)

    and yes, I know that I egregiously violate the second one. (let me pause for a moment to consider sone other egregious violations...)

    That being said, it always amuses me to hear these complaints from
    swingers. As if they expect the subset of people who chose an outlier lifestyle to somehow be better than the mainstream population? Of course it's hard to find good people to fuck. It's damn hard to find good people to simply share air with. Might be worth it though. I wouldn't know, my fantasy life is far to busy to allow reality to get in the way :-)

  3. RLoTFC does make a good point. When we host vanilla gatherings from friends or a children's birthday party, people seem to have the same trouble understanding the meaning R.S.V.P. as the notion of the courtesy of a "No thank you" reply to an e-mail.

  4. John and Ann -- True, true. These days you don't even have to bother with a stamp are even picking up the phone and chatting in person.

    RLoTFC -- It's when the assertion doesn't match the evidence that I get all pickle-pussed and pouty-faced. I got no problem with folks using whatever words they want UNLESS you could add the phrase "all evidence to the contrary."

    As for the surprise at the complaints, I agree, it is amusing. Sadly though, I AM always surprised when my subset let's me down. Imagine how crushed I was leaving the Christian faith. I think I just idiotically assume that all people are like me. I'm so bad about it I was surprised to discover the totally rockin' Babe Lincoln had blond hair. Yep, I assumed she was a brunette, just like yours truly. :)

  5. Wow! This really sounds like progress to me. A few points...
    People are stupid and rude. They just are. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Watch tv... go to the mall... Hell, turn on C-SPAN. "Swingers" are just a subset of that. Kinda bums me out too, but it is what it is. That's one of the reasons I hate to identify as a "swinger" or as someone in "the lifestyle." I much prefer to say that we're simply sexually adventurous people.
    Still, as far as finding "your type" to play with, be careful not to close doors too quickly. If you find yourself doing that, be sure there isn't really something else there. For example, at the mall with money ready to spend on the dress, but can't pull the trigger... is there a body image issue? Even though you've got the money, would you really rather hold on to it because of a secure feeling it gives you? etc... BTW- I think you guys have already been doing a GREAT job on that part, just an observation.

    This, to me, is the coolest part of your post - "...but I have the feeling when we finally have them they'll be more organic, more of a natural flow from the mutual chemistry and the moment." That's the key. Relax. Have fun. Don't work too hard at it. Keep expectations low. The worst thing that will happen is you and Vince go home and get it on all hot and steamy, right? I think ya'll have it figured out!! Woo-hoo!! (sorry to be so long winded in a comment...)

  6. I think this is a great post Ivey (but am not surprised, since most of them are!). I think sometimes when something is becoming too much "work" that is the perfect time to take a step back, reassess and then move forward. Which sounds like what you guys are doing, so bravo to you!

  7. I'll just share a little anecdote- sometime last spring, lifestyle stuff was feeling reaaaaally slow for us and we were reassessing our involvement. And then with barely any trying, we ended up having a pretty damn active spring!

    The point is, you never know when fortunes may change.

  8. I'm gonna second Hubman on this one. There are times when there is a drought - and then it pours.

    It took us a long time to get going, but now we do not have issues. Hang in there!

    And, btw - I could have written this post a year ago. Hang in there - as you have read, our luck has definitely changed :)

  9. Thanks for linking to us Ivey! I think that Swinging can be maddening. However if I was single and dating I would find that maddening too.

    Hubman and I are direct, goal oriented people. We also do our best to respond to every email that hits our lifestyle accounts within 48 hours and make ourselves available to meet people.

    We are also not party people, although I love the costumes, jello shots and shrimp cocktail at our favorite party group.

    Maybe Hubman and I should head South.....