Monday, January 11, 2010

Are we there yet? Part III

For the record, so far I f*$kin' hate blogspot and it's f*#kin' editing/formatting BS. When I get it figured out, this blog will look better and be easier to read. In the meantime, my apologies.
So I mentioned in the last post that we "pulled the plug" on any swingy-type anything. How civilized. Uh.... not quite.

(Oh, if you haven't read Part I and Part II, I highly recommend you catch up.)

The ugly truth is, it got ugly. And weird. And wonderful. And horrible. There were nights I cried so hard I couldn't see. I was convinced I'd ruined our marriage. There were days when Vince felt like he couldn't even be in the same room with me. He didn't know who the fuck I was. But there were more good days; days when we felt closer, more honest, more sure than ever that no matter what we were coming out on the other side of this thing better, stronger than we went in.

Now, I'm a researcher. I read. I learn. And the more I looked for information and to find someone, anyone, who was going through what we were going through, I was coming up empty. If you believe most of the blogs and swinger sites, the conversations leading up to exploring the Lifestyle went something like this:

Him: "Hey, Honey. I've been thinking about sex outside of our marriage."

Her: "Oh my. That sounds interesting but I'm not sure."

Him: "It'll be OK. Let's just give it a try."

Her: "Hmmm. OK. I love you."
Two weeks go by.

Both: "WOW!!! That was great cock/pussy!!! I can't believe we didn't do this sooner!!"

Seriously, who the fuck are these people?

There are a few (Hubman and Veronica, come to mind) who did mention some of the challenges they faced on their journey and seem more like people with full, real lives and relationships, but for the most part, we weren't findin' it so easy-peasy. Can we light this fire and, as Rick warned, not burn the house down? We weren't (still aren't really) sure.

And yet... the body don't lie.

When I would talk about my desire to have sex with a woman, Vince would become rock hard and ready to go. We'd have sex two and sometimes three times a day because we'd just get so turned on at the possibilities. Then we'd get scared and just need each other. Our mid-40s bodies were on fire like never before, and our minds and hearts were right there with 'em.

Now, the swinger mantra is "no drama." Well, ladies and gents, just how the fuck do you do that? When you are up-ending every goddamn thing you were ever taught or ever believed about love, marriage, fidelity, sexuality, honor, respect just how do you reasonably, calmly, and sensibly avoid emotional upheaval?

But I digress... up-heaving or up-chucking, we pressed on and talked and talked and fucked and talked and worked and talked and made love and make jokes and made messes and made up a new paradigm for how we want our lives to be.

I explained that my desire to experience other men wasn't about any perceived lack in him but rather an intense desire for sheer experiences. He explained that his hesitation wasn't prudery but fear of losing me and US in the process, a price too high for either of us to pay. But, he was also watching me become the woman he's always known was there -- sexy, confident, willing (oh my god willing!) And I was watching him open his mind to the idea that life could be bigger, fuller, richer, with more experiences (not just sex, by the way, but LIFE) than he'd ever imagined.

I started buying attractive, body-hugging clothes and we'd go out to our usual hangouts and it would be a whole new vibe. His -- I don't know, inner being? confidence? -- shifted. People noticed us. "Wow. You two look amazing. What are you doing different?" "Wow. You have an awesome wife. You're so lucky." "Wow. You guys seem so happy with each other. We wish we were like you."


So he was slowly warming up to the idea. "Baby steps" he'd say, "Let's rejoin the swinger site."

Um, okay.

So Vincent is baby stepping forward, at a fuckin' snails pace. You see, he's having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of "the other guy."
Me and another woman?


Me, him, and another woman?
"Super hot."

Him and another woman? "Sure, but I'm really not attracted to many women who aren't you." (Yeah, I thought the same thing, but either he's a real good actor or he's telling the truth. And he's not a good actor.)

But me with another man?

"Who the fuck is this guy?"


But it's a problem and one we are still coming to terms with. Oddly, he swears it isn't jealously. And I believe him. You see, Vince is an INTENSELY private person, bordering on reclusive. He doesn't have "buddies," he doesn't have "his guy friends." He's well liked and most everyone we know thinks he's the coolest and most talented guy on two feet, but he does not, DOES NOT, reach out and connect with other people, and certainly not to other men.

For my part, I pretty much only relate to men. I have to work to be friends with women and can count on one hand with fingers to spare how many I've found worth it. Most of my friends before Vince and I married were men and when I got married, suddenly became "friendless" because God knows, a married woman and ANY man cannot be "friends" unless they're gay. For fuck's sake.

But he and I are both changing now -- growing, evolving. We've both realized that for each of us there is someone more we want to be, and we both have partners who want to make it possible.

So! Here we are! We're back on the path! Inching forward towards.... what? I'm holding myself back. He's pushing himself forward. So for me, I'm now becoming a walking, talking bundle of frustration. He KNOWS what I want. I've laid it out. Laid it bare! I've endured the slings and arrows of his brand of resistance. But every time I said "that's it. I can't do this anymore" he came back with "it's not off the table. I'm just not sure I can do this. Let's try contacting someone from the website. We'll see how it goes."

Finally, we're getting somewhere. How hard can it be?

Tune in next time for "Bill and Reanne: or how to do (almost) every-fuckin'-thing wrong."


  1. This is a great read. Thanks to Hubman for the link.

  2. Your husband knows how you feel, what you want to try, what you want to experience. Now your challenge is to have the patience while he continues to get comfortable with the idea. You push him too hard (not to say that you are, just sayin'...), and he might start thinking that it is about him and that you *need* someone else.

    Bill and Reanna? Uh-oh...

  3. Ivey,

    Thanks to Hubman, we too have found and are reading your blog with interest. We had some experiences about a year and half ago when we started down this road very similar to yours. We joked the week before we met another couple to play for the first time that we were on the "swinger diet." We were too excited and scared to eat much of anything.

    As you continue to explore this adventure and what it brings for you, we would recommend highly Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. She has a particularly good chapter on Jealousy and Other Intense Feelings which was helpful to us think more broadly about the meaning of jealousy and other emotions we felt (and feel) on occasion.

    John and Ann

  4. Hubman -- Exactly! It's one thing to "calmly explain" that these crazy thoughts in my head were about seeking ADDITIONAL experiences and not about INSTEAD OF YOU experiences but I was doing a very poor job of showing him that. Again, that's a very odd thing since we have a very loving relationship. But I believe it's because most people who've never considered something as "out there" as swinging have never really looked at how they communicate day to day. Yeah, were certainly complimentary to each other, appeciative, etc., but the intensity level just wasn't up to snuff. It's crushing to look at your loving spouse's face and see doubt.

    John and Ann -- Glad to meet you and thanks for the book recommendation! I'll pick up a copy. I also like the "Swinger Diet" phrase though in my (extensive) dieting experience, the more I can't have something, the more I crave it! That's actually part of what Vince meant when he told Rick "I can't be the guy that tells Ivey 'no'." For the most part, it was his total focus on wanting me to be happy and have everything I want. But part of it is also his knowledge about how I get when someone dares to tell me "you can't have that." I am a fierce woman and this trait serves me well in business and in aquiring things. But it can also be a brutal bulldozer in other areas.

  5. I love this. Hubman gave the link and I followed and I love this.


    Well, a whole host of reasons. Been married. Had an affair. Attempted the whole open marriage idea. Failed. Had two kids. Husband had an affair. Divorced.

    Now in a new relationship (after a couple of failed ones) with someone who loves my sexuality and expression and, like your husband, loves the idea of me with a woman, or me with him and a woman but doesn't want to share me with a man.

    And I'm not looking to swing. Our relationship is so new. But sometimes I wonder if maybe one day I might want that. And maybe one day he will. Or not. Who knows?!

    We'll see. I'll be reading...

  6. I can relate to what you and your husband are going through so well; I'll really enjoy keeping up with your progress. Hope you enjoy writing about it as much!

  7. I am loving your blog. The swinging thing is new for us as well and I can relate to some of the issues you bring up. Thanks for sharing. For me, it's hard to put some of these things to words.

  8. I LOVE your posts. And both V and I can relate. I could have been writing this post myself.. lol
    We are still new, but we are looking mostly for just a hot single guy to start out with. Not sure if I wanna do the couple thing yet. Baby steps!