Saturday, January 9, 2010

How did we get here, Ivey? Part II

The subtitle for Part II could be "Or how to really do this wrong."

So we left our heroine, Ivey, at the spa with Rick and Leah. My previous triumph over my poor body-image issues means I can now have conversations with men and not worry that they think I'm unattractive and have conversations with women and not be envious of their perceived superior beauty. What a fuckin' miracle!

And Rick is definitely my type: an educated southern boy. Early forties, tall with an average but sexy build, quick to laugh, not shy, well-read, an engineer. Leah is mid-forties, soft and feminine, sweet smile, warm humor, lovely figure, quiet but a good conversationalist when she wants to jump in, an accountant. And I am completely ignorant about the rules, etiquette, or anything else to do with Swingers but I am intrigued, curious, and more than a little bit turned on.

Meanwhile, Vincent's up north havin' a ball, learning about his new hobby, and generally oblivious to what is goin' on in his Ivey's mind. Which is a big clue; lack of communication between Ivey and Vinnie.

Most of my sexual transformation took place in my head and then in the bedroom without much discussion. So for Vinnie, one day we weren't having sex, the next we were; and he never really questioned it. He also never questioned the 6 years in the desert either. He never complained. I never told him how much it bothered me -- both the fact that I had no sex drive and that he didn't seem to mind. To me, his lack of complaint just reinforced that I was fat, ugly, and undesirable. At the same time, had he complained or had the affair I was afraid/hoping would happen, our marriage would not have survived.

It was a vicious catch-22.

So after some playful but very tame banter at the spa, Rick and Leah suggest the four of us meet for dinner or drinks. Mistake #1 -- I have no idea that this could or should be considered "a date." To me, it's an opportunity to get together and talk to people who know more about sex and sexual adventure than I do and seem open to sharing. I have no idea what possibilities or fantasies go through my new Friend's minds or how I my ignorance could possibly contribute to confusion.

But first, I've got to bring the subject up to Vinnie, who, uh, has no fuckin' idea that I've have, ever would have, or ever have had any kind of hankerin' for sexual, ahem, adventure.

So on the phone, before he comes home, I mention this "great couple" I met at the spa. "How nice," he replies. The next day I casually drop the phrase, "I think they may be Swingers." Mistake #2 -- don't start off this kind of conversation with a half truth. "Whuat?" he replies. "But they seem like REALLY nice people, "I say.

He's very uncomfortable with the idea to say the least. But he loves me. He trusts me. "I'd just like too get to know them. That's all." I say. LIAR! He agrees to meet them for dinner, ya know, just to get to know them. They are, after all, nice people.

Rick and I email and set a date and a place for the following week. Meanwhile, I keep dropping hints. One day, while having our afternoon coffee I lightly toss out "Have you ever thought of me with another woman?" "Whuat?!"

From there I go on to tell him that ever since I was in college, I've wondered what it would be like to have sex with a woman. It's one of my "most disturbing" fantasies and yes, I think about it regularly. Disturbing because for two decades I've been convinced I was going to hell for it, wondered why I was so fascinated with it even knowing I'm an absolute heterosexual. I'd wondered for a while during our "dry spell" if it meant maybe I was really a lesbian and now I thought maybe I'd ruined both of our lives. I told him that I was curious and before I die, I really just want to know what that feels like.

He was fuckin' floored to say the least. Interested, but not excited, because he'd never harbored any fantasies about me and another woman because he knew that I wouldn't like it. In less than 48 hours I turned his world on it's head.

Oh, and I really didn't mention how attracted I was to Rick or he to me. Well, I said he was cute, but hey, this is just for dinner. And to be honest, I thought Leah was very attractive but at this point (and still today, truth be told) I have no idea if I'm actually going to like it. Ya know, havin' sex with a girl. What if I squick out? Anyway....

We meet for dinner at one of our favorite and poorly thought out restaurants. Mistake #3 -- If you're planning to talk about unconventional things, don't pick a crowded, loud, restaurant where you have to shout to be heard. Oh. My. God.

Vincent is not quite a basket-case and holding it together pretty well considering that a strange man is calmly discussing the finer points of licking, sucking, and fucking all the while referring to his wife (Me), winking (at Vince), and very calmly and nicely explaining that swinging "isn't for everyone. Some folks light a fire; other burn the house down." Add to that the idea that his wife (Me) is sitting there obviously panting over another man with a "please, please, pleeeezzzze can I have 'im" look on her face.

Overall dinner is nice however the waiter was completely freaked. He essentially threw the check at us and disappeared. Afterwords we all go for a walk in a local park and talk about non-sex stuff -- movies, books, etc. Vince is reeling but I don't realize it.

Rick and Leah are indeed, wonderful people. They say to both of us "Hey, no pressure. We know you're knew at this. Enjoy the ride. Call us if you have any questions or need anything. I also found out later that while Leah and I were in the Ladies room Vince said to Rick, "you don't understand, I can't be the guy that tells Ivey 'no'. I just can't man."

We both hug Leah. Vince shakes Rick's hand. And I give Rick a kiss goodnight. Wow. Sparks, chemistry, just a lot of sex in the air. I have no idea but I haven't had that type of a "first kiss" jolt in a long fucking time. It took me by surprise and I seriously wanted more. It raised the hair on the back of Vince's neck and he wanted to get the fuck out of there.

It was a crazy night. But here's the crazier thing -- since then, Vince and I started to have sex on average six or more times a week. Hot, smokin', more creative, more passionate, more totally into each other, more loving, more fucking, just more sex than I thought was physically possible.

But as always, things aren't that fuckin' easy.....

Mistake #5 -- Don't assume that "conventional wisdom" about men is true about your man. Guys, if your wife said, "hey, I want you to have sex with another woman" would you be thrilled? Or scared? I just assumed that my husband would jump at the chance to have sex with other women and I was wrong. What's worse, I started to commit one of the cardinal sins of swinging -- I got pushy.

By God, I'd missed out on the sexual freedom and adventure I should have had while I was young. I'd suffered through more than my share of guilt and angst. I reasoned, I presented all of the pros, I researched, and we talked. Oh, my, God did we talk. We'd never talked like this before. Raw, bare, and naked. We joined a Swinger site that Rick recommended. We made a profile.

But Vince was becoming more and more miserable. He wanted me to be happy but he'd endured years, YEARS, of sexual denial and frustration and now that it was finally turning around it hurt him to the core to think that he wasn't enough for his beloved Ivey. It was one thing for me to be curious about women, that was something he physically couldn't provide, but it was something all together different to learn that your wife has sexual yearnings so far outside of the traditional mainstream. And my Vincent is nothing if not a traditional -- hardworking, respectful, loving, honorable -- kind of guy. The night I realized that, we pulled the plug, erased our profile, and went back to the drawing board.

We finally get something right -- Communication is King.

But we went back with this new found and amazing communication that we'd never had before. Also, a spark of desire and possibilities had been lit for both of us. Now we just had to get on the same page.

I had to starting thinking about what was right for us as opposed to just Ivey. And strangely enough, Vince had to start thinking about what he wanted, as opposed to what I wanted.

To be continued.....


  1. Communication indeed is king!

    Your concern about "what if I don't like being with a woman?" reminds me of Veronica when she first expressed her desire to be with a woman. Her idea was to start frequently strip clubs and getting lap dances from 'girl friendly' strippers, kind of a baby step. Not only did she like that, she found herself turned on, which lead to her seeking a female playmate for herself. You know our history from there :-)

  2. I love your writing. I found you through Hubman and am subscribing now.

  3. Love the recap so far! You are doing a great job outlining the issues that will arise if communication is not king. Great start to the story!

  4. Wonderful blog. Cannot wait to read more!

  5. Hubman -- Thanks for the blog pimping and more for the compliment about my writing. If I can ever figure out how to get the damn photos to go where I want them, I'll add a pic or two just for you! :)

    13Messages -- And I love your photos! And your blog. I've been lurking on your site for a while and find your story fascinating. Also, congrats on encouraging Bella to write as well. Interlinking stories and perspectives add so much to understanding.

    Emmy -- I've been lurking at your place for quite a while too. Love the stories of you and Garbonzo as well as the fantastic Project 365 pics. I look forward to getting to know you better.

    Hubby -- Thanks for coming by. I'll admit, my knowledge of the Hotwife/Cuckold culture is a bit thin but your journey appears quite fascinating. I look forward to reading more. Of course, my knowledge of a LOT of things is pretty thin. LOL