Not your average girl

Recently I've been thinking about the weird or, shall we say, socially inappropriate things I do like enjoy explicitly sexy emails with men I've never met or trade racy pics with men who aren't my husband. Or have sex (at least want/try to) with other "like minded" swinger-type folks -- sex with women, men, three-somes, four-somes, more-somes, whatever. I've been giving this a lot of thought which interferes with my ability to enjoy such activities so I decided I need to sum it up so I can get back to the fun stuff.

Here it is:

I haven't a fucking clue regarding why I'm like this, but I know I like myself better when I am. Not "enjoy myself more", not "have more fun" (which I do) not "contribute to people feeling better about themselves" but I LIKE MYSELF BETTER when I'm engaging ALL OF ME, ALL THE TIME.

For a moment, let's consider the fact that most people in the vanilla world would be shocked -- simply shocked!! -- if they knew about this. It goes against what we are taught is morally right. Simply put, when you are in a relationship, be it a young boyfriend/girlfriend, a mature engagement, husband/wife not only should you only feel attraction for that one person, you should feel next to nothing, certainly nothing sexual, about anyone else. But more disturbing to me, you must also eliminate pretty much the deeper aspects of any other friendship. When you get married or even just decided to "date" you essentially agree to forsake all others -- not just in body, but in mind and soul as well. It's okay to be "acquaintances," co-workers," "friendly," etc. but to actually feel attraction or god forbid, attachment to someone who isn't your spouse, well folks, it just ain't done.

It's either okay to be sexually expressive with someone, and only one, or it isn't okay at all. And what I've discovered is that's just not me.

To be clear, I am monogamous in that Vince is my chosen one, the man who makes me a better me, with whom I share not only my hopes and dreams but my future, past, mortgages, work, leisure, checking account, family, troubles and triumphs.

I don't consider myself a polyamorist in that I'm don't have a desire to have a third entity enter into our dynamic. But as I see it that specialness he and I share doesn't HAVE TO preclude me from enjoying other people as deep and abiding friends who may share sexual attraction if not consummation; as sexual partners under the right circumstances; or simply as playmates. In some cases these others may provide something that he simply doesn't have (like breasts, a vagina, an additional penis) in others they may share an interest he doesn't (like erotic writing or imagery).

In my dream world I see Vince and I sailing through life. On that trip we have a rich collection of friends that have come, gone and left memories; some new and short lived, who were perhaps connected to a certain time and place, or purpose, and some who matured with us over time, whose connection is stronger, most lasting. And some, maybe just a small few, who share part of our journey with us.

I think it is unnecessarily limiting to assign categories like "ours", "mine", or "his" to these friendships even though it may be true. But that's where I think "society's expectations" have done me wrong. My connections, my friendships in the past, have always been dictated by what "they" said was okay. I've lived by their permission but mostly without it. So I've been limited by their fear, held back by their judgement, and made lonely by accepting the way they choose live their life as how I must live mine.

It doesn't work for me. I don't care if every other person on the planet is perfectly happy and satisfied with the one man / one woman / only-one-at-a-time paradigm. I'm not and trying to act like I am causes more turmoil for me than if I control, suppress, deny, and generally act like someone I'm not.

It does cause complications, the first and biggest being the adjustments that Vince and I go through to make sure that me being me doesn't threaten "us." I don't go running around connectin' with folk all willy-nilly. And I certainly don't do it behind his back. And even though it rubs independent-Ivey the wrong way, I also don't do it without his approval, or yes, even permission.

I also take extra pains to ensure that the people I engage with are on the same page I am with the relationship -- quite explicitly in some cases. I also measure the interaction based, in some level, on the person's other relationships. I may engage in sexy banter with one of my more open vanilla artist friends but not at the expense of his girlfriend. I may lose myself in fantasies with one friend while knowing that his wife and my husband will decide if these thoughts ever become actions.

Limits and negotiation as well as consequences of my own choosing are far different than those others try to box me in with. My current box is like a jungle gym, a firm structure to play on and in; theirs is like a coffin or an empty room that isolates and holds me separate from the wonder and joy of my fellow human beings.

The momentary disappointment of running up against a real and mutually agreed upon limit is far superior to the desperate yearning of a bound-up soul. And maybe that is what makes me a little..... odd. I'm finally realizing that my capacity for connection (emotionally, intellectually, and yes, even physically) is limitless. And it always has been.