Sunday, July 25, 2010

What a difference a year makes

Friday evening Vince and I had the opportunity to see Rick and Leah, the couple I met at the spa a little over a year ago and who, in a very important way, launched us down this path. (You can read that little part of the story here and here.) We'd emailed and loosely kept in touch via Facebook but haven't seen them in person since last June. This time, it was a fun night and in way, the "date" I wished we'd had a year ago -- fun, sexy, no pressure, Vince and I both relaxed and enjoying ourselves.

We finally discovered a first date scenario that works for us. We still don't/haven't gone to swinger parties and real meet and greets are few and far between in this town so we rely on our swinger-site. After we've contacted a couple, everyone's opened face pics, and they respond positively to our hello, we'll chat on-line or on the phone. After we decide if they're people who actually understand the term "discrete", we'll invite them to meet us at one of Vince's gigs.

The reason this little set up works so well for us is because of the reasons I listed above:

Fun: a dance club is just a fun environment. Drinks, dancing, great music but also Vince is doing what he enjoys, playing guitar, and I'm doing what I enjoy, hanging out with people, laughing, and having a good time.

Sexy: I dress up in my short skirt or low cut top, high heels, and put on my "wow" make-up. I definitely turn a few heads as I move through the room. And Vince, he's in his sexy rock-god clothes, interacting with the sexy lead singer and other players as well as the crowd, being admired for his skill, look, and his vibe by the people in the club, primarily the ladies. (FYI -- he's not a "pretty-boy" rocker. Vince is, and always has been, the coolest guy in any room. He just.... is.) The entire atmosphere is about sexiness and a good time. Everyone is there for the same purpose -- to get their sexy on.

No pressure: Strictly speaking, Vince is working so there is no possibility of anyone expecting any play and whoever we're meeting already knows that. But perhaps more importantly, Vince knows that I know. One of the most aggravating and tiring things for us is what we've come to call "holding Ivey's leash." I'm like a puppy, always eager, always ready to go, explore, experience, DO! I'll stick my nose in all sorts of places with (to him) very little discrimination. I like everybody!! Wheeeee!!!!! But he doesn't want to be the perennial "bad guy" and I get a pretty fuckin' sore neck constantly having that leash jerked on. But in the club it doesn't matter if I like the people or not, I'm not going to know what his opinion is until the next day at the earliest so my expectations for that night are to have a good time and to go home.

Relax and enjoy: So without him having to worry about what I'm thinking, and only being able to interact with friends between sets, he gets to observe them (and me) from the stage, he gets to chat in half hour increments (with a considerable amount of that being taken up with music conversation), there's usually plenty of "wow, you're good" from the lady of the couple, and he gets to enjoy the conversation with them on his own terms. I get relax knowing that he's relaxed. I can only enjoy myself, if he's enjoying himself.

So back to Rick and Leah. I enjoyed their company and Vince did to. He and Rick laughed and I think Rick seemed more like a "regular guy" now than he did a year ago. Of course, he hasn't changed, our perspective did. Leah, who I think was much more in tune with our newness and un-readiness last year, was laughing, smiling, gently flirting, and generally being the sweet, sexy, and lovely lady I'd met at the pool; and this time I think Vince saw it too. Last time he was dealing with such an emotional onslaught and I was so oblivious that the entire evening is still like a Dali painting.

I'm pretty sure we'll see them again though I still don't know if any play is in our future. While I certainly feel plenty of attraction for these two, if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen; the sense of urgency and intense OMG-I-just-gotta-fuck-these-people desire is gone and I think that is part of the maturing process. I'll experience mild disappointment at a missed opportunity but I think now it would be more like missing out on a cool restaurant ("Oh, they're closed tonight? Damn. So where shall we go instead?") as opposed to a great cosmic injustice if I just don't get to have my way.

Growth feels good.

But it would also be disingenuous to say I want to get used to a lifetime of mild disappointment. I AM a puppy. I AM eager. I am expansive, inclusive, experiential, and generous. I am not reckless and I am certainly not without discipline or self-control. I weary of someone else's leash regardless of how much I love the hand that holds it. At the risk of taking the metaphor too far, I am very good at coming to heel. I've mastered sit and stay. I want to run a while.

Last year at this time I was a ball of unfocused want, struggling to escape the limitations I'd grown to accept as "just the way life is." I didn't know how but I was determined to rid myself of fear, shame, isolation, judgementalness, condemnation, and constant, constant yearning. This year, I have a clearer idea of what I'm looking for from this "lifestyle." I can articulate it, describe it, visualize it. Each conversation Vince and I have, each new experience, each new friend is like a hand turning a lens, and our date on Friday night was, to me, getting closer to the ideal life I seek -- fun, sexy, relaxed, enjoyable, expansive, inclusive, experiential, and generous. Open. Open to what good comes my (our) way. Open to others on a similar path. Open to joy. Open to..... more.


  1. I think everything blurred after unread 'leash'. And 'stick my nose into places'

    Weird. I'm not even really into that.

    Glad it went well though!

  2. Can I say what an amazing post? Growth is anaxing, isn't it? We had a major growth incident this weekend. It too showed us where we are in this lifestyle. Kiss to you girl. Keep growing!

  3. I can't even imagine negotiating the waters that you and Vince are in, so I give you a ton of credit for going through it together so gracefully. I hope you get to run soon!

  4. I love the line "Growth feels good." Lord does it, even when it is also uncomfortable at times! Keep at it - love reading and following along in your journey. And I'm totally stealing the "meet at a gig" idea should hubby and I (ever) get to that point! Talk about the perfect locale, you nailed it!


  5. What a year indeed! And I've enjoyed being along for the ride, albeit from a distance and virtually speaking, of course.

    Just imagine where you might be this time next year!

  6. I always enjoy looking back as it shows you how far you've come.
    I enjoy seeing how far you've both come!