Tuesday, July 13, 2010


The truth of the matter is that I spend most of my life totally fucking baffled. Seriously. I don't understand how some people can think the way they do, act the way they act, or believe the way they believe in spite of evidence that tells them what they think is at best untrue and at worst un-productive.

But mostly, I think this way about myself. Case in point:

Vince and I had a fantastic date with A&J on Friday night. It really couldn't have gone better. We'd had dinner with them about a month or so ago, emailed and chatted over the weeks, I talked with Mrs. A&J on the phone. During this time, the Mr. was pretty much a constant on the chat front. Almost every time we logged on to the swinger site he was on and we'd often chat. He was nice, funny, and respectful. If Vince was chatting it was guy stuff. When it was me, it was more lighthearted. On numerous occasions he invited us to their home for some "hot tub" fun.

When finally were able to see them again. The conversation flowed easily. The laughs were abundant. There was some sexy dancing, flirting, etc. The date was really an opportunity for Vince and Mrs. A&J to get to know each other a little better and see if they had any chemistry. They did! During breaks between sets there was flirting, sexy banter, pic sharing, touching, smiling and laughing. At one point, Vince leaned over to me, laughing, and pointed out that she'd gotten him hard. And she had. He said told me to set up the hot tub date.

The Mr. and I were having fun as well and after Vince gave me the go ahead, I turned to them both and said "yes, we'd love to take you up on the hot tub invite!" The conversation continued with everyone saying Ivey and Mr. A&J would coordinate the schedules and find a good night. Vince was playing late so he went back to play his last set, I walked out with Mr. and Mrs. we kissed and hugged in the parking lot, parting with "we'll set up a play date."

The Mrs. had given Vince her real first and last name and he friended her on FB and she accepted. Vince sent a "had a great time, looking forward to seeing you again note" on our swinger site. Later that day I sent a "here are some good dates for us" email. And since then.....



No chats, no emails.

Nada, niente, nothing. It's been four days.

So I say again, I'm baffled.

WTF?! Now maybe in a day or two we'll hear back but if a few more days come and go with no word then we're going to write them off. But I have to tell you, I have no idea what happened but in the absence of information, my mind tends to drift to the less pleasant: I'm too fat, I'm too old, I offended them somehow, I'm unattractive. They don't like me for some reason. Do you see a trend here?

And here's the worst part -- with the exception of "too old", this is the same shit that has gone through my mind my ENTIRE life. Please don't take the following as a whine as it is simply a factual accounting of history, but I was NEVER asked out in high school, only twice in college. After college and before Vince, I was almost never asked out on dates, I went out with "groups" from the theater, I often dated (read: slept with) someone from a show I was in but when the show was over so was the "relationship."

Anyway, like I said, I'm baffled; less about the sudden silence from A&J and more regarding why the fuck do I do this to myself? Maybe I'm not cut out to be a swinger because I just can't fucking relate to people? Maybe I can't read social signals and never knew it? Maybe I have Aspberger's Syndrome? Maybe I'm just a fucking idiot? I read other people's blogs and I just stand amazed at what they are able to do and experience. But for some strange reason, it feels like it is now -- like it has always been --outside of my grasp or understanding.

For the record, I'm PMSing so am a bit harder on myself than the other 20 or so days of the month but this is just irritating. Anyway, I'll snap out of it in a day or two. I always do.


  1. We often comment that sometimes we feel like we are in high school again in terms of the waiting and wondering about if it is rejection or poor communication. We recently went around with a couple we have been playing with for close to a year now. They sort of dropped off the face of the earth. Found out later that something big had happened, and they just hadn't gotten to telling us yet. Don't spent too my time overanalyzing it (says the woman who is good at overanalyzing things).

    And, you and I have a similar dating history too, btw. Once I hit my stride last fall, I definitely got affirmation that it wasn't me. Before that, I had the same fears. Hang in there. :)

  2. Hope you hear from them soon, one way or the other.
    I hear you on the self doubts. I do the same. If you figure out how to end it completely let me know. I haven't been able to turn it off. :)
    Hang in.

  3. Emmy hit the high points of what I was going to say...

    I'll just add, I wouldn't dare keep you waiting ;-)

  4. Based on your description of the chemistry, I agree with Emmy that something has likely happened and they just haven't been able to get in touch. But waiting for the phone to ring sucks no matter what the circumstances!

  5. I can relate to your insecurities. I have done those same things my whole life and have a similar history to you and Emmy. I'm sure it isn't you though. It's probably just real life intervening as it always does. Stress, responsibilities, medical issues, maybe nerves on their part. Who knows. You can't speculate.

  6. I totally relate to this. It's a hard thing trying to understand what's going on in the other couple's minds. They may be innocently busy or they may have had a "two steps forward, four steps back" moment. Either way, they should have the politesse to tell you directly. That's been my biggest issue with relationships in general, that people just don't say what's what.

    DON'T take it personally. Just cut that out right now.

    And also don't presume friends and intimacy where only flirting exists. All of this is hard stuff and even after months with a person, I've found them dropping the scene. It's a hard lesson to learn, but trust doesn't come easy in this world nor should it.

    If they don't respond to a nice friendly email, then just let them go.