Friday, March 26, 2010

Over-thinking it

Ah, finally a little solitude! As I may have mentioned before, Vince and I live and work together from home but for the last eight days, we have not been away from each other's physical proximity by more than maybe 15 feet at any given time. Let me tell ya somethin', the kinky-folk that brag about their 24/7 dom/sub life can suck it. (A joke, my kinky-type readers! Joke!!) But seriously folks, the constant little shifts from me to he to she to we that make up our existence can, on some days, be a pretty intense dance -- sometimes a jig, sometimes a tango, sometimes a waltz. But on most days, just a joyous dance. :)

Lots and lots has been going on in my noodle and I just thought I'd share a little.

So, here's a bit about our visit to the off-site swingers club last Saturday. First, it wasn't exactly "a club" but instead a regular bar in an OK part of town that recently started hosting a swinger event for Lifestyler's on Saturday nights. It was about a 45 - 50 minute drive from where we were staying but considering the offerings in our hometown, that didn't seem too far for us.

We found out about the place through our swinger website and posted that we were planning to attend. One of the host couples emailed us back to say they were looking forward to meeting us and to ask for them when we got there. That was very nice. I'm a gregarious girl and I still have trouble just walking up to people in a bar and saying "hi."

Anyway, we decided to try something a little different: this night, Vince called all the shots. From where we stood to who we talked to, whatever. First, in most swinger relationships, its the opposite, the WIFE calls all the shots. But in our case, Vince is the more reserved so rather than have him standing there being uncomfortable with whatever choices I was making, I suggested I just hang back and go with whatever he wanted. The other reason is because I can be, ahem, a bit pushy, some would say a control freak, other might more charitably say ... well ... there is no charitable way I can think of to control the thoughts, words, and actions of another person who doesn't want to be controlled. Let me tell ya, pushiness and control can get fuckin' old fuckin' quick; from both our standpoints.

To agree on the dynamic we used the example of how we act when we ride our motorcycle. I'm fully capable of driving the thing (licensed and all!) but I enjoy just riding on the back, he makes all the decisions, calls all the shots, and I trust that I'll enjoy wherever he decides to go.

And it worked, for the most part.

The evening itself was okay. When we first got there (after I jumped the gun and asked for the hosts before Vince was ready, as he reminded me of our deal) we checked out the bar. It was nice overall; there were a good number of couples at the main bar, in the back was a dance floor, complete with stripper pole and a DJ, and a nice fenced-in outdoor area. Unfortunately for us, the dance area was also the smoking section and that pretty much kept us out of there. In addition, the evening was cold and I was wearing a sexy ensemble, so the porch wasn't a great option either.

Vince chose a spot at the end of the bar where we could see folks coming in the door and check out the people at the bar. And check we did. And there was no one that we were interested in physically. Ages and sizes aren't a huge deal for us but we've discovered a few things that are: we like women that look "soft" not "hard." Vince likes big eyes, full lips, and natural looking hair of any shade. We both prefer women that had a "feminine" shape, a little round and curvy, not "hard body" fit or broad-shouldered build. Those folks can be very nice people, but they don't turn either one our heads and make us go "hmmmmm." We also have a thing about class or taste. We like to have as much fun as the next couple (we think) but there's something about vulgarity that just turns both of us off. A person can be hot as hell, but if they can't manage a sexy look or sexy conversation without acting like they were born in a barn then they also, aren't for us.

You may notice I didn't say much about the men and that's something we have to work on. Since Vince was in the lead, there was no discussion of men for me at all. His position, and in some sense I agree, is that since there were no women of interest, the men didn't matter. But it bugs me. I've made it very clear I'm bi-curious (probably bi-definitely-curious) but I am certainly straight, so I just think that as a matter of equity he should take my interests into greater consideration however, since we were leaving all of the decision making up to him, it didn't ever come up until the car ride back to our hotel.

We did chat with the hosts and a few other couples. The hosts were nice and one of the guys was quite funny. But the bar setting wasn't the best for Vince; it's hard to hear, he gets distracted by the music, and he's not a small talk kinda guy. Maybe we're just not shallow enough for the bar crowd? Maybe it's not our setting? See, the thing is, we've never been "bar" people. Vince plays gigs in them, but neither of us hang out in them and really never have.

At the end of the night Vince decided he "didn't have a bad time." And that's not enough. We both want to have a good time -- an exciting, fun, and adventurous time. We (and I think he more than me) needs to be excited about the people we're with, especially the woman and he is, if not picky, very selective.

Personally, (and I could be really wrong about this) I think if I was only interested in three-somes with women or girl-girl action we'd have already jumped in by now. But there is something about "the men" that bothers Vince. He swears that it's not jealousy, that he trusts that I love him and that I'm not looking to replace him. When we last discussed it he said that he felt that "the man hadn't earned the right to be there" or to be with me. "What's this guy bringing to the table?" is how he phrases it.

I'm not really cool with that.

It appears that his position is "if I want to fuck the guy's wife bad enough then the you can do whatever you want with him." But I know my husband and that type of callous disregard for me just doesn't sound like him. So I keep thinking there's something else there that I'm not getting or he's not saying.

See, I actually WANT to see him have sex with another woman. I WANT to watch his face when she's doing something wonderful to him and with him, I WANT him to have the experience of two (or more!) women working to give him fantastic sensations and powerful orgasms. I want to be able to do things with him that it's not physically possible for me to do alone. I WANT the satisfaction of knowing that at the end of every day I am his wife and I happily and eagerly do whatever I can to give him whatever HE wants.

And I want him to feel the same way about me, but in spite of what he says, I just don't get the feeling that he does.

Maybe it's as simple as he just can't get his mind around the thought of me giving or receiving any type of pleasure (sexual or otherwise) with another man; and that certainly wouldn't be unusual compared to the vast number of men in world. Maybe in his mind I am literally "his" to call the shots, to run the show, even though he does not want to be the person that prevents me from experiencing anything this life has to offer.

And maybe I'm just over-thinking this thing. Maybe we just haven't met an attractive enough woman who also has a good enough guy.


  1. I know nothing about the reality of swinger life, but ignorance has never stopped me from having an opinion before. I can say, even in more normal circumstances, I've never understood 'meat market' mentality. The very notion of going somewhere with the express purpose of meeting someone just to fuck them, seems odd to me. I've never done it.

    For one thing to me, having that intent beforehand destroys the spontaneous joy of sex. I don't even care for sex on Saturday nights if it becomes 'expected'. Expectations, rather than heighten my experience rather detract from them. But ymmv.

    Related to this is the meeting of people and the expectations therein. I'm a go-with-the -flow guy in those situations. I try hard not to meet people and decide 'i want to fuck this person'. Or 'i want to be friends with this person'. Certainly I have first impressions, but I try not to overanalyze or give them too much weight. A bar night dedicated to meeting people who want to have sex seems to pre-weight the interaction too much.

    Obviously, it works for a lot of people, but I don't get it, and I can see why Vince seems out of sorts (even though his reasons likely differ dramatically from mine)

    good luck working it out :-)

  2. For the record, you describe my wife perfectly in the type of woman you like. :) I hope you guys find the right connection with a couple soon. Selfishly, that's a post I'd love to read a lot. We got lucky and connected with Bella and her husband very easily: two smart and sexy, easy going people. It's just tough making the time.

    I dig what you said about Vince getting distracted by the music. I'm no musician, but I'm the same way. Good luck and thanks for what you share.

  3. Yup, you're over-thinking it ;-)

    Seriously, you switched roles with Vince, letting him know that you would follow his lead. So as a heterosexual male, checking out couples from his perspective, is there any wonder he wasn't eyeing the other dudes? It was the first time in the role-reversal, let him know how you feel (of course, I'm pretty sure you already have!) and see how it goes next time.