HNT -- Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Half-nekkid Thursday to boot! It's getting busy around here so I'm posting a bit early and keeping it brief.

I'm not a "grateful for" kinda gal; I'm a "grateful to" woman.

I'm grateful to Vincent for sharing this wacky journey with me, for rolling with the crazy and laughing with me (almost) the entire way. I'm grateful to him for seeing me for who I really am, and for loving me anyway.

I'm grateful to my clients for (mostly) trusting in us and letting us earn the money that supports our lifestyle. I'm grateful to the people who work for us and make us look even better in the process.

I'm grateful to my parents and in-laws for doing what they did to make us who we started out to be. I'm grateful to friends who make me laugh and think and who mostly think I'm a pretty cool chick.

I'm grateful to the folks who make shopping pleasurable by being helpful and polite; I (almost) always return the favor. I'm grateful to the politicians and city/state leaders who made our local bike trail a reality and who had the foresight to put a Nature Preserve on the same path. I'm grateful to our local pub, club, and restaurant owners for running good businesses that thrive so that we have a cool place to hang out on a Friday or Saturday night.

I'm grateful to my Weightwatchers leader for having a sense of humor and not being a sanctimonious asshole.

I'm grateful to the people who blog and who share their stories and pictures; whether you know it or not, many of you have made my life better by offering up different perspectives. I'm grateful to those of you read my little ol' efforts, regardless of whether you're a lurker or a commenter. I'm grateful to those of you who do comment -- some of you make me, smile, make me laugh, and others give me something to think about, an alternate point of view. And those of you who've crossed the real-life line, I'm grateful to you for the trust you've placed in me.

I'm grateful to all of the people who make my little corner of the world a better place. I sincerely hope I do the same for you.

Happy HNT one and all. With all that's going on at Osbasso's, I don't know how he'll get it done this week, but if anyone can, he will. And I'm grateful to him for that. If you are too, go stop by and let him know.

Wacky world and other observations

So we went to the Stewart/Colbert Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. The rally itself was great, but not because it was crowded (which it was) or because it was funny (oh yes, it was damn funny) or even because I agree completely with Stewart's primary point that rampant hostility, meaningless fear-mongering, and divisive, dishonest, and manipulative posturing by politicians and pundits is damaging to our national character (which fuck yes, I do!) but it was because I felt surrounded by people who are, for the most part, kinda like me.

About 230k - 250k of them. Give or take. But everywhere you looked you saw people who laugh at the same things and share a point of view that I happen to agree with. Man, it was awesome! And strangely, our foray into swinging is kind of the same way -- I'm only interested in people who laugh at the same things we do and who share our point of view when it comes to how we want to structure our swing-life. Folks at are, in fact, like us. More on that in a moment.

But first, a little more about our time in DC. We spent a few extra days there before and after the rally: Friday at the Library of Congress, Sunday on the National Mall. One of the first things to understand about me is that I'm seriously the kind of gal that can stand in front of a monument or in a historical area or in front of an amazing artifact and weep with emotion. You can only imagine what I was like wandering around our nation's capital. I stared in wide-eyed wonder at Thomas Jefferson's original 6300+ volumes that were used to replace the first collection of books that were destroyed by the British. Arranged in his original filing system (before the Dewey decimal) many were held by his hands. (NOTE -- another fire destroyed about a 3rd of the collection but they've been painstaking replaced.)

Knowledge. Wonder. Joy. Hope. Love. Lust. History. Error. Grace. Courage. Symbolism of larger and more important things than mere books and paper or marble and granite. And that was just in the fuckin' library. We pressed on to the White House, Washington Monument, WWII Memorial, Lincoln Memorial, Korean War Memorial, FDR Memorial, Jefferson Memorial.

I was so grateful to have Vince with me, a man who gets it and who shares my passion for such intangible things. Ladies and gents, we're nerds. We get off on history and art and culture. We dig knowledge and yes, we think ignorance -- or rather willful ignorance -- is ugly. Wanna makes us think you're sexy as hell, tell us something interesting that we don't know. You don't have to be a scholar or anything -- we're not -- but we're curious and appreciative of what lies behind the immediate and the obvious.

And this past Saturday night, we were ass deep in the the obvious but sure did learn a few new things. OUR FIRST SWINGER HOUSE-PARTY!

Let me start by saying we had a good time, met some cool people, and experienced a few new things -- I had my first massage that included a happy ending (wheeee) and that little orgasm was in full public view. (hehe) The hosts were great, especially the lady. Sexy, open, with -- IMHO -- the best body there though Vince has another gal in a tie for first.

We didn't decide on "no play" rules since we're not exactly unsure that we want to find couples to play with, but since we didn't know what to expect, essentially decided to take a watch and enjoy approach.

Every body-type was represented, and the people ranged from VERY physically and personally attractive to ohIdon'tthinksoyourekindacreepystayawayfromme kinda folks.

But it was far from what I'd expected -- a "normal" party just more amped-up with sex happening upstairs. From the moment we walked in I was felt up, groped, and grabbed. Strangely, not in an obnoxious way, but apparently that's just how you say hello. Like I said, learned a lot of new things.

"Ooooohh, Hi Ivey! Vince" I'm wrapped in an embrace and somehow three hands grab my ass, "We're soooo glad you're here!" And the hostess leans down to kiss my cleavage as her hands rub my nipples. Well helloooooo!

As we set down our beer and goodies in the kitchen I feel various squeezes and slides with every introduction. "Ivey, this is Bill." Pinch. "And his wife Sue." Grope. "Have you met Tim?" Lick.

Some folks are also HUGE on kissing. "Hi" as they came toward with a full tongue kiss. I quickly learn to move in for a full body-hug grope thus avoiding any unwelcome kisses.

And it's okay, we're rollin' with it, but it's pretty quickly becoming clear we're newbies and folks back off a bit. Then, in a very short amount of time, we're buck-nekkid in the pool and chatting with some lovely ladies. As other newbie couples arrived they'd get the same hello but would all, pretty much to a person, respond full on with a kiss and within moments be sucking, fingering, and generally fucking. At one point very early in the evening the hostess comes to the pool and we watch as she bends over, sucks one man to rock hardness, then as another starts playing with her pussy she lays down on the pool deck, raises her legs and has a wonderful, kitty-licked orgasm right there as someone stands up and says "who needs another drink?"

Wow. Just wow.

Later, Vince and I decide to take advantage of one of the upstairs rooms for ourselves and had a good time -- I had my first O of the evening -- though we learned later that locking the door just makes people more curious.

There wasn't really any pressure to "do anything" other than some good natured ribbing by the host -- who was a fucking machine! -- that we should "let up and live a little." The ladies we were sitting with us laughed and said don't worry about it.

As it turned out, our car was blocked in so we couldn't have left early unless we made a scene and since we were comfortable, if not actively participating really, we decided to just hang out and see how the night went.

And it went well -- no nerves, no real discomfort that wasn't easily dealt with, met some really great people and one or two couples we hope to see again, either on a date or simply at another event.

There were a few things though, that gave us pause:

We observed that, in the pool area at least, "safer" sex wasn't really anyone's concern. Fingers, mouths, and tongues seemed to go from one person to the next with no hesitation. That's not really our style as we would need to at least have a discussion with someone before anything went anywhere.

There were one or two guys that I found flat-out creepy. One fellow in particular decided to watch as another woman was getting her happy massage BUT he practically propped his elbows between her ankles, cupped his chin in his hands, with a vapid and slightly stupid look on his face as he stared straight up into her pussy while the masseuse was knuckles deep in and making her squirm in ecstasy. The guy wasn't her boyfriend, he was the boyfriend of another woman at the party, and that just seemed a bit intrusive to me. Then again, maybe I'm just a bit of a snob.

And for both Vince and I the idea of immediate sexual interaction with a complete stranger was a turnoff. Maybe it's just us, but we kinda need to know if we like you BEFORE we can even think about whether or not we want to fuck you. Seriously, we're just square like that.

One of the oddest things about the party was that the game was on and there was a group of (mostly) guys, wrapped in their towels, just hanging around the TV while there was literally available pussy everywhere. Maybe these guys had been in the lifestyle awhile or maybe they were all just taking a breather but seriously? A football game?! Are you serious?!?!

While we were waiting for my turn at the massage table, Vince struck up a conversation with the Mr. Massage, who took turns with his wife giving the massages. It was a pretty cool conversation as the guy's former job involved working closely dogs. My turn comes up, I jump up on the table, Vince and Mr. M keep chatting as my massage gets marvelously personal. And I loved it. On one level the surealness of it made me giggle at first but on another it was Vince being the Vince I know -- the guy who can find out the most interesting things about people with absolutely no effort.

As my massage got more personal, I'd vaguely hear him say to Mr. Massage, "See that smile? You're in the right spot." Or "See her bite her lip like that? That's a good sign." If I hadn't been on the edge of orgasm, I would've laughed out loud.

All in all, it was a fun night though I don't think it was how we're going to end up running our swinging adventure. If we decided to go to another party with these folks (and we probably will) we'll go with a couple where perhaps we've met before and maybe one of us has more chemistry than the other but we like the couple. Or maybe go with a couple we already know and play with and we play only with them but enjoy the sexual energy of the event. Who knows?

But the best thing about the night was that Vince and I enjoyed it together, because in the end, that's all that really matters.

HNT -- A room with a view

Happy Half-Nekkid-Thursday, friends and neighbors!

Ahhhhh!!!! So Vince and I finally arrived back home from our road trip but we didn't forget about our HNT responsibilities. (Hehe.)

We took a couple of days after our trek to Washington, DC (I'll post about THAT on Friday) to head to the mountains and visit some friends who recently moved to that part of the world. So recently, in fact, they still don't have drapes on their windows.

While I was getting ready to take a shower, Vince was checking out the view from the deck.
But seriously though, the view WAS stunning. I'm a Florida girl, and to see the season's change in such a bold way is truly a rare treat. I've been giddy for a week!

Happy HNT everyone! Don't forget to check out the rest of the views over at Osbasso's.

Ivey

HNT -- One for the ladies

Well ladies, as promised, here he is -- Vincent.

You're welcome.

Forty-six sexy years old and still rockin' my world every damn day! Lucky, lucky me. ;)

Happy Half-Nekkid-Thursday y'all, and don't forget to make the rest of the rounds at Osbasso's place!

Oh, and posting will continue to be sporadic for another week or so. Vince and I decided to head to DC to check out the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. Gonna be an adventure!

A heck of an anniversary!

Once again, Ivey gets all "yeah, yeah, I been busy, traveling, happy, pissy, whiny (and damn I hate being whiny), sorry haven't posted in a while" blah, blah, blah. Truth is, I have in fact, been all of those things. I had actually planned to write a wonderful post yesterday about how much I love Vince. Sunday was our 12th anniversary and we've essentially been celebrating for a week! Whew! But alas, life got in the way in good and bad ways.

So in no particular order, here are a few highlights and lowlights of the last 6 or so days:

1) We had a hell of a celebratory anniversary dinner -- last Wednesday. It's a complicated story that involves screwed up dates, "forgotten" plans, a minor and well-deserved emotional break-down (not me or Vince), multiple restaurant reservations, and ultimately a great dinner with some fantastic friends at an awesome restaurant and at least 4 bottles of very, VERY good wine.

2) Part of the screwed up dinner plans involve Vince booking a two-night gig in Tampa. As part of the screw-up fix-up the band ended up springing for a hotel room for us. (FYI -- we took a few HNT photos at the hotel. I'm thinking this Thursday is going to be a treat for the ladies!) It was the usual sexy dancing, groupie, have (more than a few) glasses of wine and dance, dance, dance event.

On a little side note our "play-dar" was in overdrive. When this band plays out people are constantly buying drinks for the band. When this one couple realized it was our anniversary the asked Vince to bring me over so they could meet me and buy me a drink too. They were funny, hawt, and if they weren't swingers I'll eat my hat. She was hysterical and wonderfully sexy. From the stage Vince was watching her and her friend shimmy their boobs when the songs called for it and he was seriously hoping one or two would fall out. Later, as I was flirting with them both and giving them our email address I complimented her lovely globes and told them about Vince's view. At that point the Mr. reached over and took one out to show me and OMG it was lovely and it was a good thing I'd only had three glasses of wine or I would have .......... really, I think I would've.

So what do y'all think? Swingers? Anyway, I hope they contact us.

3) During the day on Saturday we decided to get our nerd on and headed over to a museum. We discovered a terrific car show happening so strolled around there before checking out the exhibits. This place also had an IMAX theatre and let me tell ya something people, if you have the chance to see the Hubble Telescope IMAX movie do yourself a favor and go. Billions of stars in billions of galaxies and we are just one tiny planet circling one minor star. I love the sensation of being awestruck and I was. I think at one point I got teary with the beauty of it all!

Part of the story was about finally being able to see how stars are born and it was amazing; a cosmic nursery for energy, light, and power and within all of it are the fundamental building blocks of life.

A few hours later we get a text from a close friend of mine whose son was born at 4:01 that afternoon. My nickname for his girlfriend is "the Sun" because she truly personifies life-giving warmth and goodness.

4) We spent Sunday, our actual anniversary, at the appropriately named "Honeymoon Beach." As we walked to the beach we noticed they were setting up for a wedding on the beach later that day. I sincerely hope that bride and groom are as happy as we are twelve years later. We laugh every day. We are almost constantly in one another's presence. We have fun, funny, and wild sex an average of 5 or 6 times a week. We work together, we play together, we are in it to win it together. I've started referring to us as "mostly monogamous" since we are ready and willing to have sex with other people as soon as we can find some suitably sexy-to-us partners. LOL

5) We finally got home and yesterday morning resumed our normal routine which includes our morning bike ride. As we pedaled past my neighbor's house I mentioned that I needed to call and see about going over for a visit. This neighbor has cancer and is currently under hospice care at home. He tried chemo (twice) and it didn't work. I liked to go and hang out with him as much as I could and as much as he was up for. During the chemo months he didn't want to eat much so I made him my best, richest, and highest calorie deserts to take to his house; a bold choice as his beautiful wife of thirty-three years is largely considered the best cook in the neighborhood. We'd just hang out and I'd be as completely inappropriate as possible -- wicked! He loved it! I always wore shorts and a tank top, made sure my make-up was on, and that I looked good. Considering our considerable age difference, religious difference (he is and I'm not), and his poor health, many folks would have frowned on our boob jokes and the stories I'd tell him of our motorcycle treks, business trips, Vince's band adventures and my delighted approval. But he laughed and laughed.

On our bike ride back, when I was planning to call and find out when I could come over, we both got texts telling us that he'd died the previous day, on our anniversary. While we were celebrating our twelve years together and watching another couple launch theirs, his and his beloved wife's thirty-three had come to an end.

So over the past few days a new baby boy joined this life while and old, sick, and very tired man left it. Vince and I celebrated -- with a few good friends -- what we have together, with our minds open to possibilities with new friends and bolder adventures on the horizon. I hope some of those adventures will include some nekkid sexy fun, but all of them I'm sure will be together, and filled with laughter.

HNT -- Hot legs

Greetings Happy HNT-ers! Before the goodies, a few Ivey facts:

1. Everyone should have some aspect of their body that they're happy with; in my case, it's my legs. My weight can fluctuate like nobody's business but these gams never let me down.
2. Vince and I are lucky enough to live in an old house with a fireplace in our bedroom. I mentioned a few posts back that after eleven years we finally installed gas logs.
3. I needed boots for a halloween costume and found this delicious pair for $42! I'm going to call them "The Boots of Naughtiness!" (FYI -- credit for the awesome term goes to Another Suburban Mom.)

I think this should heat things up in the bedroom.

Don't forget to check out Os for the rest of the Half-Nekkid fun!

Fucking frustration

God, this is fucking frustrating. Seriously. How freakin' hard can it be to be a fuckin' swinger, I swear to god I want to throw in the mutha-fuckin' towel!!

I was just IMing with Rick, the husband of the first couple we ever met in swingdom. (I wrote about that experience in my first two blog posts.) A few months ago we reconnected, Vince thought Leah was cute and funny, we all seemed to have a good time, and since then..... nothing, nada, niente. We've invited them out but they're never available. I even asked if they weren't interested and just wanted us (me) to leave them alone and Rick said no, they'd love to get together just "been busy." He IM'd Vince once and it was when Vince was literally walking out the door to band practice. But on this IM there was no flirting, no funny banter, nothing. Even after I did everything up to and including say "hey, I'm trying to flirt here". His response? "Gotta go. House projects. I'll let you know when we're out your way."

Okay, it doesn't take a brick wall to fall on my head. Apparently any heavy wall will do. No more invites, emails, or IMs to Rick and Leah.

And we'd finally written off A&J. After a flurry of texts from J (the husband) asking for nothing but pics, and a few benign emails between Vince and A, we didn't hear from them for weeks. Then Saturday, while I'm at my parents house, a text from J out of the blue. I tell him I can't text right then but will catch up with him Sunday.

Sunday comes, I text him. More nothingness. "Hey. Been busy. What'cha doin'?" I get a little more specific and he tells me they haven't been meeting any lifestyle folks because, well, A's "more reserved." I ask what that means and he says "she's picky.... and that's just fine." Well yeah, asshole, it's fucking fine but don't string people along! Do they want to get together or not?! Apparently not. Fine. No more invites to A&J.

The red flags from the A&K finally flamed out and they are out of the picture.

I think if we sent B&J a text saying we'd meet them at the Motel 6 they'd be in but Vince only got to meet J for about 5 minutes and seriously, why is it unreasonable for him to want to get to know a woman just A LITTLE FUCKIN' BETTER before he decides if we wants to fuck her?!

So B&J, off the list.

We've sent out more emails but very few responses. We've gone to parties and meet and greets where we meet no one and sure as hell don't party. Just about the time I'm sure we're socially inept douchebags someone from our vanilla world will tell us how we throw the best parties, they love us, we are fun, funny, "out there", great to hang out with, always awesome, or some such wonderful praise to make me think that truly, maybe it really isn't us. Maybe, it really is "them."

Swingers.

Maybe we just don't fit with these people. Maybe we really are that fuckin' unique in all the fuckin' world. Maybe are standards are too high. Or too weird. Or too obnoxious.

Maybe we truly only can be friends/lovers/adventurers with each other.

Maybe I am too fat to be attractive to the men and women we meet. Maybe Vince is too reserved or too picky.

Maybe we both have Asperger's Syndrome and can't pick up on social signals.

Maybe we're just not cut out for this.

Sigh......

Okay, rant over. I'm going to go check a few more profiles and see what does -- or doesn't -- happen next. Honestly people, I didn't start pursing this to add to the sense of constant frustration and rejection I seem to live with.

I really didn't.

HNT -- Stark, dirty, pretty

Happy HNT one and all!

Sometimes, you just got to let the other guy make the call. In this case, I give you a Vince's vision HNT!

Coming up with new ideas, working together as a team, can sometimes be.... well.... let's just say, less than conducive to domestic harmony. Especially when one member of the team has body image issues ("Delete that. Too much fat.") and the other is having technical issues ("How the fuck do you change the exposure on this fuckin' thing?!") That's when you just give in and let one person have the creative edge; do as your told, trust, and see what happens.

Personally, I think it came out pretty darn cool. Vince says "It's stark, dirty, and pretty all at once." I agree.



Don't forget to check out the rest of the HNT coolness over at Osbasso's place.

See ya!
Ivey

Weekend wrap up (starting with Thursday!)

Wayyyyyy too much going on these days, both in my head and in my (work/blog/lifestyle/regular) life. For the most part, it's been great, but also funny, sad, irritating, surreal, and everything in between. Here's a few highlights, starting with Thursday.

THURSDAY -- After 15 years together, Vince and I finally got around to buying some bedroom furniture. Now it's not like we've been living out of boxes all this time, but it's been a collection of scavenged hand-me-downs and college dorm leftovers that did the trick but had no "style." And I'm a style kinda gal! I may have mentioned in a meme before that my other dream career would be interior decorator.

So Thursday we head out to the stores and buy a chest of drawers and table AND since I found what I wanted at IKEA, we had enough money left in the budget to add something I've wanted for years -- gas fireplace logs! Wheeeeee!!!!! We're waiting for the burner to come in but as soon as it is I'll post a photo.

The funny thing is though, while we were in IKEA debating the merits of this chest over that one, Vince gets a text from K, the Mrs. of K&A, the red flag couple I mentioned in my last post that told Vince she could send him sexy photos but only if they kept it from her husband, A. Well, guess what folks? The text she sent essentially said "Vince, don't text me anymore. A and I are splitting up and I'm moving out of the area." BIG surprise, right?! Sheesh!

Then came the sad news, my best friend's father passed away. It wasn't unexpected, in fact it was welcomed, but never-the-less. When one loses a parent, no matter how difficult they are/were, no matter how old you are, no matter if the relationship was difficult or smooth, the world is different. She's also a southern gal like me and we can not image a world without Daddy in it.

FRIDAY -- We spent Friday assembling the furniture (the price you pay for inexpensive!) and moving furniture around. One thing to know about my house is that it's two story and the stairwell is kinda odd -- it twists and turns -- so carrying the old stuff down and the new stuff up takes more time than you think it should.

That was also the day my parents returned to pick up their delightful dog, Harley, and I'm pleased to say we got her back home in the same shape she got her in -- spoiled rotten. But the sad part of the evening was my parents. I love them madly, but my mother can see the cloud on any silver lining. Asking something like "how was your trip?" turns into an hours long litany of every idiot they encountered, inconvenience they endured, stupidity foisted upon them, and since it rained the entire trip, a Weather Channel wrap up of rain totals. It's exhausting.

That evening was the kick off to our little town's annual Music Festival. So we went downtown (a couple of blocks away) on the motorcycle, drank a little wine, heard a few great bands, ran into a few friends, then came home to a sweet slumber.

SATURDAY -- My redecorating quest continued! In addition to the furniture the room needed some new art and a few "finishing" touches so I took off that morning for a nice solo shopping trip. We'd found a cool painting of a nude at IKEA to hang over the fireplace and I'd had this little art project in mind for a while. If you look at the photo, you'll notice the black and white pictures framed on the wall. Look familiar? Yep! That's yours truly in some of our favorite HNT shots! We've decided that we want our bedroom to be our little love nest and if the cleaning lady is shocked well, fuck her. (Not really. She's a hard core conservative Christian but she's a nice gal.)

I think it turned out pretty cool!

Also, while I was out shopping, I stopped in at my favorite adult store to look for a new top. That night we were planning to go to a White Lace Swinger Party and well, I had nothing to wear. Since seeing Babe Lincoln and Vixen's awesome corsets I thought that's what I'd get. The thing is, I have told myself that's going to be my reward for losing 20ish pounds so I had a hard time pulling the trigger. In addition, I don't want a white one, I can't be trusted not to spill anything on it. Sad. But true. Vince always rolls his eyes when I come home from a shopping spree with white or pastel shirts.

But while in the store's dressing room, trying to get the damn thing laced, I get a text from a sexy blogger friend. Nothing sexy this time, just a little update on his and his wife's day, but it made me giggle in the store. ;) I didn't get the corset but did find a cute little lingerie number. In white. Let's hope I don't spill anything on it. Wheeee!!!!!

That evening we were back to the Music Fest, saw an AWESOME acapella group, had a nice dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant then took off to the party. We had fun but seriously folks, for any vanilla readers out there, if you think these are places of totally abandoned debauchery, sorry to disappoint. First, it was held in a vacant building. It was actually supposed to be in a nice club but got moved at the last minute. The new venue was clean but definitely a bit on the seedy side. There were stripper poles and good looking women enjoying them but for the most part the place had the vibe of a Jr. High dance. Lots of folks (couples, husbands, and single guys) hanging out on the edge of the dance floor watching scantily clad women do the Electric Slide.

We had a good time, talked to a few people but didn't run into anyone we knew, and neither of us are the "pick up someone in a bar" types. We weren't like that twenty years ago and we aren't like that now. In the future we'll still go, but probably only if there's someone else going that we've been chatting with on-line or if we see someone on the guest list and make an arrangement to meet them. Live and learn folks, live and learn!

SUNDAY -- One of Vince's bands played at the Music Fest as a last minute fill in after someone else dropped out. It was great! I walked down to the festival with my camera in hand and took a bunch of photos. After his set we hung out and drank beer with friends and we pretty much did that all afternoon. At one point, the band member who had Vince's guitars in his truck was taking off so we got a ride back to our house and then turned right around, hopped on our bicycles and rode back to town to continue our beer drinking and people watching at our favorite outdoor bar.

And while we were there, Vince starts chatting up the two lovely and hot sisters sitting at the table next to us. They were great! Vince had them laughing, the conversation was sexy and flirty, and I got to watch my baby does what he does best -- make people feel good. He's not a flashy guy however I swear I think we could have picked those two up! (But that may be just the fourth beer talking.) They invited me to join them next weekend at a Chippendale show!

We ended the day snuggled up in bed, in our sexy little bedroom, with a little sexy talk about what all we're going to do to each other as soon as my monthly friend gets the hell out of dodge. (Yeah, that's why there's been no talk about wild, wanton sex!) But this was the kind of weekend that makes up a great life and great memories. The weather was awesome, we got some things done, we had a little clean fun, a little naughty fun, saw a few friends, met some new people, listened to great music, performed some music, and on and on and on.

And tonight it keeps on going --- we have a few people coming over for a dinner party so I've got to get to the grocery store and get to cooking. The menu (and this is for Veronica LOL) Peach Balsamic grilled pork chops, wild rice, roasted vegetables and for dessert homemade apple pound cake (my grandmother's recipe) with cinnamon ice cream! Gotta run folks! Lots of memories to make!

Disengaged

Before I get into the post proper I have to introduce you to my favorite distraction this week -- Harley!! This pampered, persistent, preening pooch is my parents dog and we're puppy-sitting this week while they are on vacation. She's a great dog and we -- being dog people without a dog right now -- love having her around. That said, my parents are beyond insane when it comes to how she's taken care of. We are the only people on the planet they'll entrust her to and even then it's with the caveat that we are barely acceptable and that they are sincerely hoping we'll rise above our usual level of incompetence to adequately carry out their detailed (and in some cases absurd) instructions. Seriously, my mother demonstrated how to cut up her hot dog treats before she left. Last time she left a diagram demonstrating how to hide a pill in the hot dog.


Anywhoo, demanding as she is, we like having Her Highness around.

But to the title: Disengaged. I've been feeling a bit disengaged from the blogosphere for a few weeks. Every day I cruise my favorite blogs and read your stories but I find that I have nothing of value to contribute; and since I'm one of those who tries to say nothing when I have nothing to say, there haven't been any comments on your posts. I've regressed into lurker. That sucks. Seriously. And I also noticed that I've started skipping a few blogs that held my interest before.

So being the over-analytical type that I am I've been pondering this phenomenon. The first thing I asked myself is "Is it just the blogs or is this a trend across interactions e.g. other 'vanilla' blogs, Facebook, swinger sites, email, real life?"

The first thing that was very clear was that it applied to my vanilla blogs as well -- mainly news and political sites. I just don't want to read them right now. And if I really want to lose faith in my fellow man in general I read the comments after pretty much ANY political article. I really feel as is I'm living in the land of Dumbfuckistan. And it's not just the vitriolic content of what people are saying -- I'm cool with disagreement and differing points of view -- but the complete and utter contempt people have for correct communication is killing me. I've said before, I'm a word nerd -- punctuation matters, spelling matters, capitalization matters. And that's just the bare minimum. Tenses matter, verb-noun agreement matters. Shit! I'm no grammar Nazi (though my editor for my pro-work definitely falls in that category and I'm grateful for her anal-retentive nature) but I just don't want to engage people who can't fuckin' string a fuckin' sentence together!


I next observed my ennui applied to Facebook. With the exception of Vince, I pretty much work alone so Facebook provides the "office chatter" that most people take for granted. The perky exchange of views, the joke shared in the hall, the idle chit-chat that forms a community or culture. And I keep a pretty clean Facebook presence and by that I mean that I don't "friend" or accept requests from every Tom, Dick, or Harriette that crosses my path. But lately it seems there's more inane crap than I can stand. Honestly, do you have to let the world know when you're going to the grocery store?


But I have been enjoying a few IM chats with some old friends who live farther away and with whom I've recently reconnected. No surprise, they are pretty much all men. But it's fun and flirty and delightful and they make me laugh. There are a few ladies -- very few -- but I've discovered they are more like me; almost masculine in our communication and debate/discussion styles. You rarely see "OMG this is just awful!" comments and instead have a list of observations and verifiable, or at least debatable, facts followed by a conclusion.


So yeah, I've been kind of stepping out of the FB world too.


The swinger sites are also boring me a bit these days. When we first started this journey I read forums, profiles, and enjoyed looking at the photos and info found there. These days I might check them every few days but only to check for mail. I've tired of the tire kickers. Of sending out emails without even the courtesy of a response. Of finally meeting people and having everything go great ("Hey you guys are awesome/just our type/let's get together soon/etc.) only to have the couple flake out or worse, get weird.



A&J have become beyond a disappointment. They're the ones we'd given up on because they would send "let's get together sometime" emails then every time we invited them somewhere were unavailable. Then we didn't hear from them. Then we did but it was J (the husband) sending me texts asking for pics. Constantly. Now Vince would like to have someone send him pics too but he's a little more reticent to just ask but has recently gotten over that. So he sent A an text and she responded but only with very plain texts. Still no invites or indication that they want to get together OTHER than J saying we should do it "sometime."


Then we met a couple that seemed pretty cool, K&A, but they had a few red flags. Now they were both sexy, funny and friendly but they aren't married and have only been together two years. Okay, we can deal with that and our date night with them was a ton of fun. No play, but we all had a great time. This time, Vince sent an email through the site telling them we had a great time, would like to get to know them better, and invited them to text us if they wanted. He also added that if she (K) was interested, he loved seeing sexy photos. She sent back a very nicely worded email that she and A had decided they didn't want to text or email with only one half of the couple and she was sure he'd understand because he's "cool like that."

No problem, we get that and it seemed to make good sense for a new couple who were finding their way.


The next fucking day he gets a text from her with a very sexy pussy shot and a note that basically says she'd love to share pics but they'd have to do it on the hush-hush. In other words, she was doing it behind A's back. Fuck. Vince let her know that as much as it pained him to turn her down, if A wasn't cool with it then he'd have to wait until A was. That's too big of a red flag for us, the idea that she's willing to deceive her partner and draw Vince into being a co-conspirator in her deception. So K&A are off the list too.


We went to great meet and greet but being the dumb (and in my case slightly drunk) asses that we are, we didn't get the contact info for the one couple we hit it off with. We sent a note to the hosts who said they passed on our info but haven't heard back and probably won't.


We had a great date this past week with an awesome couple -- K&M! Funny, sexy, smart! She's is a model (I kid you not) and he is photographer. Furthermore, she's a country girl (like me) and he's a city boy (like Vince.) And it gets better, he's from Long Island and has the personality to match! He and Vince got along like peas in a pod. On the downside -- they live about four hours away. The only reason we got to meet was because we were in their area on business. So we left it with "let us know when you're in town" and maybe, just maybe, we'll see them again.


Sigh. Vince and I sucked at dating when we were single and it appears we haven't improved with age. So yeah, true to long ago form, I find myself disengaging from the "dating scene" because I can't seem to make it work. Sigh again.


In vanilla life we're losing friends left and right. The neighbors we hung out with moved away; the couple that used to host our regular card game did the same. My best friend moved an hour away but even though we have no trouble driving that far she now finds herself in the miasma that is taking care of an aging and unwell parent. Another friend is preparing for the arrival of his first child and will soon, at the age of 45, find his lifestyle has changed forever. The last two are the ones who I've known for 18 or so years; the people with whom the conversations can go from deep to absurd to inappropriate to silly to supportive in a matter of seconds. I need them. Or rather, I want people like them in my life.


So for mostly positive reasons, our current social circle is disengaging from us.

The bright spot, at least for me, has been the personal phone calls and emails with my new and old friends, vanillas and swingers/bloggers. I think what I want now is more depth and less breadth. I want to know some of you better and that takes the sort of time and removal of barriers that reveals more of the inner being. I want to explore with a few people what lies beyond "friendly acquaintance" or sexual attraction or even simply shared interest to genuine connection. I want to know if what appears to be budding friendship can survive getting to know one another or if we are no more than a mutual audience for each other's somewhat narcissistic ramblings.


Maybe that is asking a bit too much of others? Perhaps it is beyond my capabilities? But either way I think that is the essence of my disengagement -- wanting less of the surface and more of the substance.

HNT -- Behind Bars

FYI -- When I titled this post I was referring only to the effect in the photo. But now, after spending freakin' HOURS trying to get online an a high-end hotel where I'm currently staying for business I have to say I feel like I'm behind bars here too. All I have to say is any hotel that doesn't freakin' offer FREE wireless in the year 2010 does NOT get my money willingly! 'Nuf!!

Anyway, happy HNT my lovelies! I'm hours late but I hope you enjoy this fresh out of the shower view. ;)

And do make the rounds at Osbasso's for more half-nekkid loveliness!

Ivey

Monday musings

I may have mentioned that the reason I haven't been writing a lot isn't because I have nothing to say. In fact, it's more like there is just too much. Observations, mental meanderings, wandering and random thoughts have been rolling around my noodle so I'm going to off-load a few.

Blogroll. You'll notice I added a few new folks to the blogroll so welcome GoodWill, Blue-eyed Bader, and Hands in My Pants! I've been reading you guys for a while but keep clicking through from other folks blogrolls and that can get to be a bit much. I'm pretty slow about adding new people and usually only do so after I've been reading someone for a while. Really, it's just a place for me to have easy access to their links. I'm not much of a "reciprocal" blogroller type.

Swinging. On the swinger front, Vince and I are back in the game, or at least we're trying to be. LOL We finally gave up on the most promising prospects (A&J) because they just keep flaking out on us and that gets tedious. But it's interesting that since our little dust up, Vince has turned a corner, an enjoyment/relaxation corner. There have also been a few very good blog posts recently by some of you guys that have been most helpful -- especially Sadie's recent post by her hubby. We're emailing with a few folks and have some we're trying to get together with so we'll see how it all goes.

Sex. OMG the sex has been just awesome around here. We're back to our daily grind (hehe) of once a day or so fuck-fest. That's the way I like it too. I'm not a girl who does well anymore without a regular rogering. But it is taking a toll on the furnishings. I was hanging some art over our bed and had to move it out. The picture is of the baseboard. It seems that our ahem, enthusiastic playtime is slamming the bed frame into the wall.... ah.... vigorously. I think I may need to do something about that.

Food. I love to cook! And I enjoy eating but as I mentioned last week I've rejoined WeightWatchers. Now talk of weight, especially my own, bores me stupid but I am having a ball with the recipes. One of my favorite desserts is Carrot Cake and this is their version and let me say people, it fucking rocks! I made this one from scratch and took part of it to a neighbor and the rest we took to dinner with some friends. Delish!

Distances. I really hate that some of you are so freakin' far away. Seriously. I'm so jealous of Hubman right now I can't stand it. California, Illinois, Massachusetts, Tennessee, Oregon, Texas and some of you I'm not sure where you are but I know it ain't Florida. Grrrrr!! I'd love to have lunch or grab a drink with a lot of you. Sure, the internet makes the world smaller in one way, but it's still a big, big world.

Blog life. Most of you don't know this but I had another vanilla blog before I started Ivey Lane and I haven't written a word in it since April. Some of those readers are now writing to me on FB and wanting me to start it again. The thing is my other blog isn't anonymous; and my family started reading it and taking it wayyyyyyy too seriously. Worse, they started chiming in with their opinions on my take on things -- which kinda sucks. I liked writing that blog but the freedom of writing for "strangers" is part of what I enjoy here.

I think we'll have something pulled together for HNT this week but in the meantime, I'll leave you with this shot. Every morning I bike by this place, sometimes I just hang out here for a little while too.

What I'm enjoying today (Inspired edition!)

Today's post is brought to you by, or rather inspired by, Another Suburban Mom who posted a little list of things she was enjoying today. I loved it. Short, simple, to the point. A great post! (In fact, I titled this one "Inspired edition!" in honor of her.) But since it's me, my version will be a bit different.

With the events of the past month, it could seem like I haven't been enjoying much at all and that's part of the challenge of blogging. Yes, it's a wonderful place to talk through troubles and challenges and to reach out to people when you're hurting but it is only a small fraction of life. Moreover, so much of what I enjoy usually doesn't start that way. So with her post in mind, I kept a little mental log of my day and here's what I'm enjoying today:

My thighs are screaming. I mean they freakin' hurt! But I am enjoying it for a number of reasons. First, they got that way thanks to an awesome weekend. Vince's band had a gig a few hours away in a great Florida resort town and for this gig, spouses got to go along. I spent Friday and Saturday night dancing my ass off with a couple of the other wives and girlfriends in a sexy, upscale club to some of the best music around. And yours truly can still get low, low, low in a tight dress and insanely high heels. Getting back up, now that's another story and hence the sore thighs but I don't care. When I think about where Vince and I were two years ago, what we've done, come through, and emerged with, I love those sore thighs.

While we were on our little trip we went to the beach. While I was there, sitting next to my beloved spouse soaking up some sun, I enjoyed a phone call with a blogger friend. Nothing risque, just a few laughs, some exchanged information, and perhaps a little more growth in what seems to be a cool friendship. But this is a friend that I do exchange a little naughtiness with on occasion and he and Vince got to say hello. I'm not a gal who can enjoy herself if I feel I have to hide something from Vince. Just can't. We came through our little dust up with a new appreciation not only for our marriage but for the friends we have, those we share, and those who are developing. Knowing people with whom I can share more pieces of myself brings joy to my life.

The reason I noticed the pain in my legs so much is because I was on my bicycle this morning taking my usual morning ride. I love to exercise, not because I need it (though I do) but because it's become a part of who I am. I look forward to the heat, the sweat, the exertion in many ways because I can. This morning was an hour long ride on an awesome trail near my house. I do this three times a week. Three other mornings I do 30 minutes on the trail and 30 minutes lifting weights and I enjoy every minute.

On my ride back I stopped at our local produce market which is just a couple of blocks from home and picked up fresh local vegetables for supper. It's a great place and they have a huge yellow lab that always come out to say hello. I enjoy dogs of all sorts! And I enjoy cooking and right now the house is filled with the smell of home made soup that I'll nosh on the rest of the week! I really enjoy that smell but I also love the fact that Vince is going to get home in a hour or so to the rich aroma of a home cooked meal. He loves that, and of course, I love that he does.

Of course, I also enjoy eating and as many of you know, I have a life-long battle with weight that usually kicks my ass. But a few weeks ago I rejoined Weight watchers and at today's meeting the scale was down again. Now I enjoyed the fact that I've shed a few pounds, but in the past when I lost weight it was different; I believed I had to lose the weight first THEN I could enjoy my life. Now, I'm enjoying my life (and my body, and my friends, and dressing up, and being naked) anyway. It's a great feeling realizing that I don't have to wait for the weight to come off before I can do all the things I've wanted to do.

I finished a major portion of a work project and I must say, I enjoy my work. It's useful, creative, educational, fun, and fulfilling. More importantly, I work with Vince. More importantly than that, we determine how we spend our time and I enjoy that very much. Today, in addition to the above, I went to the grocery store, folded the laundry, and am sitting down to write a post. Tomorrow I may take my little laptop with me to my local nude resort and get a little more work done hanging out naked at a pool. Can you get any more joy than that?! I mean seriously, my clients have never once asked me what I was wearing or where I was when I answered their email or worked on their project. ;) Heck, today I was taking calls and sending email during my ride.

Later tonight I'm going to work on plans for a dinner party Vince and I are going to throw in a few weeks. I love dinner parties!! We usually host 3 or 4 other couples and enjoy coming up with a good guest list. We like to have a mix of people who may or may not know each other but who we think bring something interesting to the table. In fact, that's all they ever have to bring -- an opinion, a little intelligence, and lot of laughs. I'll spend the day of the party setting the table and making table arrangements, cooking prep, and stocking the liquor cabinet. Drinks at 6:00, dinner served at 6:30ish, and after that who the hell knows where it'll go? Heck, I enjoy just anticipating the good time that is on it's way! :)

At some point, I'm going to answer a few emails from some other really cool people -- the on-line community of friends that are moving from "readers" to real people. You guys make me laugh, make me think, and on more than a few occasions have picked up my spirits. I enjoy discovering you guys and gals. I never ceased to be amazed at just how fascinating you are. I hope to meet a few of you in person some day but even if we never get the chance, my world is richer because you're in it.

Much later tonight, I'm planning to jump Vince. Seriously. And I'm planning to enjoy it immensely! I'm thinking candle light, sexy lingerie, a few of our toys perhaps and a fucking, sucking, pounding, playful, handful of boobs and hair, hanky-spanky, rip the headboard off the wall throw down. Due to biological reasons beyond my control, let's just say I'm primed. ;) I soooooo enjoy fucking my husband and if it's possible I enjoy the fact that I want to even more than that. Rediscovering the sexy, opening up the possibilities, and sharing all of that with a partner is a-maz-ing!

Oh, and I expect a few of you will crop up into our fantasy play as well, in fact more than one, maybe more than one at once, certainly more than one gender (LOL), and in multiple positions and scenarios.

And ladies and gents lemme tell ya, I enjoy the hell out of that.

HNT -- I'm back!

Greetings my lovelies and happy, happy HNT!! It's been a while but finally, FINALLY my sexy is coming back to the full and awesme force it was before the... you know... reset.



Anywhoo, last week Vince needed a lift to pick up our motorcycle from the shop, which is way-the-hell-n-gone from where we live. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants to work on a 30-year old bike! On the way there it occured to me that on the way back I would be driving right by our favorite adult store. Now, when you're a "queen-size" girl buying pretty, sexy lengerie can be intimidating, but this store carries a couple of really cool brands that are simply fantastic.

Or at least I think so.

More importantly, Vince thinks so.

What do you think?

And after the photo session, the REAL session began!

Check out the rest of the half-nekkid-ness over at Osbasso's!

Ivey

What lies ahead

I don't think I've ever done this on my blog -- use an article I read to illustrate a point -- but I swear to god this one, by Douglas LaBier, "Our so-called Mid-life; why happiness and depression both appear to increase", could've started off "Dear Ivey."

Let me back up, we've been mostly coming through our little storm but not without repercussions. For me, there are several biggies:

• Loss of trust that Vince means what he's telling me; after all, he told me he was "fine" and wanted a more "progressive life" before.
• The retreat into "inauthentic Ivey;" one of the great joys I had leading into this mess was the feeling that I was finally being "me," -- integrated, whole. The other night we had a dinner party and I felt "her" return; the fake front that masks the real me. I was, of course, the hostess with the most-ess! Charming, witty, a great cook. But before this reset, I had come to see my Ivey persona as more like a hidden super-hero. Suddenly, that part of me was gone and my "shameful inner voice," was lurking behind my eyes; the person who NO ONE can ever see, that I must hide and repress, because if they do people, important people, won't like or love me. I've come to believe that difference was a major part of the isolation I've always felt in groups of people.
• The idea that possibilities for experiences THAT HARM NO ONE were actually possible, and not fantasy or wishful thinking or delusions. That suddenly the doors of life had been thrown wide and that my Beloved and I were going to embrace them together.
• I'm struggling with the idea that it may be that I have to come to terms and simply accept that my life (our life) is forever to be defined by limits, obstacles, fears, frustrations, distance. Just as I struggle to accept/fight the idea that I will always be over-weight; surrender is so much easier than being at constant war with your inner self.
• Maybe all the last 2 - 3 years really has been is nothing more than a mid-life crisis. I mean, really. A tattoo? Isn't the idea of swinging just another version of yearning for sexual variety? I haven't bought the little red sports car but my minivan is red and does have a sunroof.

These are just a few of the biggies that have been plaguing my brain off and on. I vacillate between security in my love for Vince and fear that I'm truly not lovable if I pursue my desire for a fuller, richer life. I'm mourning for what feels like the short life of the slowly awakening inner me.

And then the article shows up today on Huffington Post and in addition to other very on-point paragraphs, this one lept off the page:

"I suggest thinking of so-called midlife as a positive transition zone into
full adulthood. A period for creative solutions and better trade-offs regarding
your current commitments. [] And a time for restructuring your choices,
values and goals; making them support an integrated, healthy and authentic life,
through which you can continue to grow and develop in all realms of your life.
That's positive aging."

That's it right there folks -- an authentic life. Up to this point, I've had a good life; one that I enjoy and am proud of, one that I want to continue with my Beloved Vince, one that we've worked fucking hard to achieve. I don't want to jettison all that we've built, the best of who we are. But what I've done hasn't always been authentic, and it sure as hell hasn't been my best. I want to grow. I want to help others (especially Vince, if that's what he wants) live the fullest, richest, most experiential life possible in this short time we have on earth. I don't know if there's an afterlife, but I know for sure there is this life.

The article's last lines also hit me between the eyes:

"The upshot here is that most people are capable of self-directing their
lives during the adult years. What you experience isn't some inexorable process
that simply happens to you. It's the product of how you manage the changes
within your mind/body/spirit; how you deal with the new possibilities that lie
ahead."

"And keep in mind what the novelist George Eliot wrote, 'It is never too
late to be what you might have become.'"

The best years, if we can manage it, lie ahead.

Back on track and better than before....

While there's wayyyyyy too much to go into here on this little ol' blog, suffice it to say that Vince and I have not only weathered this storm but come out on the other side better than before. There are, of course a few "time will tell" elements -- you don't get to have this kind of a meltdown without a little scarring -- but what we've always had is still there: a fantastic and total love for one another. Truly. Madly. Deeply.



We went out for dinner last night and this was in the sky as we left --

From there, we went to our little neighborhood hangout for dessert and to toast a few friends --

We were raising our glasses to friends celebrating a special event and to another set of friends who were leaving us to continue their journey elsewhere. We learn from there stories and they enrich our lives.

Vince and I, for the past 15 or so years, have had the relationship that others envy. I refer to him not as my husband but as my Beloved. I am not his wife but rather his Compliment. We are simpatico. We have never wanted other than what is best, what is true to our highest natures, and for our lives together to be rich in love, friendships, and experiences. I can count on one hand the number of times that we've had what we call a major "reset." This past month was one but reset we have and we are back on track.

Vince and I have a vision for our life together. Barring anything unexpected, we hope to end our days together remembering the adventures and people we encountered along the way. He married an open, honest, experiential, adventurous, happy, enthusiastic person that denied (and was denied) that side of herself for 40 years. Embracing who I really am is a good thing for both of us. It enriches not just my life but his. Working out the details is just part of the trip.

So I don't want to say much more than that for now. Knowing me, it'll come out in later posts and in other ways, but the bottom line is we are, as always, back on track.

Thank you all for your kind words of support. Your faith and optimism were not misplaced.

A letter from Vincent

Hello everyone. I've been away from the blogs for a while now and returning, even briefly, reminds me of how much the real, true, painful world is part of this one. My heart is with those who are suffering immense tragedy right now. My situation is solve-able; theirs is not, and I clearly see the distinction.

All that said, I wanted to offer you an update, especially to those of you who've been so supportive. After the shock, dealing with the hurt and confusion, watching me descend into a horrible emotional place, Vince decided to "stop talking" so that he wouldn't say the wrong thing. Instead, last week he told me that he would write a letter so he "could be sure he was saying what he really felt, and not just reacting" to conversations. He gave it to me this morning.

I asked him if I could post it here because, as one friend told me, we often gloss over the harder and more difficult parts of our individual journeys for various reasons. Here's a small look into his. And just so you know, the movie reference at the beginning is an inside joke. He always makes me laugh with his off-the-wall references, and this is one of them. I eliminated some names but for this is what he said.

It starts with "Dear Ivey,"

“No matter where you go, there you are” said 80’s spoof sci-fi adventurer Buckaroo Bonsai. I believe that I’m much better at divining my take on myself and my life with the written word so here I am in my attempt to find my true feelings and share them with you. I do this to understand myself better, and to share my inner self as we regroup and move forward after the events of the recent past. I now find myself somewhere, Buckaroo, and it’s time to figure out where exactly that is.

This last week for me has been a hard one in feeling remorse for losing my temper and causing you pain. “Hold your tongue in a time of anger and you save yourself a hundred sleepless nights” is fortune cookie advice but in this instance, for me, true. I am deeply sorry for the loss of my temper and any pain it caused you. I’m sorry for acting towards you with suspicion and abusing your trust of me. I regret causing you the pain my words brought. I love you deeply and only want the best for you in life and to protect you as my partner from any such pain. Hopefully you empathize that I’m someone who rarely loses their cool to that degree, and pride myself and not being so, and to say I’m deeply sorry is what I can offer. You don’t need to feel that pain and I wish only love for you. Truly. Madly. Deeply.

I think that nuclear moment, like most cathartic moments, aren’t caused by the immediate event you may find yourself in but the release of what has been building for some time. Our foray into what we have been exploring for the last year has been of different emotions for me. When you brought up the notion of swinging with me a year ago I was completely caught off guard because we had never shared fantasies or desires of something like this in our marriage. Moving forward for me not really sure of how these things were going to come about and uncertain why they were coming about was the first thing that I had to come to grips with. Why was this happening? What was lacking in our lives that this pursuit was going to fill? Why were you showing desire for others? I can have sex with other women? Again, I can have sex with other women? These questions were some of the many that I attempted to address, process and understand. I wanted to be as supportive as I could be for us to have these experiences and as you know I didn’t want to be a roadblock to your happiness and agreed to cautiously move forward. But moving forward for me can be challenging for you because as much as I think I know what my feeling are, I just may not be fully, completely aware of them. Like a jazz musician I improvise scales of self-expression of my true inner self all the while hoping that the music I’m creating is connected to the others around me.

But as we are a very compatible pair we are also different souls with different capabilities. I’m a private person at heart and the idea of intimacy with strangers isn’t one of my strong abilities even with the promise of new sexual partners. Also I had a pre-conceived idea of what swingers were like - glib, shallow and self-centered – solely based on the people I had encountered in the past that were ‘rumored’ to be swingers. I just didn’t see myself as that type of person and did so because I had reservations about the culture and community. As we progressed past our first stages of evaluating what it was that we were doing -- and there were many moments of working through my reservations of moving forward -- I learned to trust you in your message of ‘experience over exclusion’ and how opening up the greater ideals of communication, trust and generosity shape individuals to a greater life, not lesser. Your enthusiasm, love and generosity moved me and I agreed to follow.

So we moved forward together, and you being the more enthusiastic person, patiently (mostly) waited for my own self-discovery of our path. It was slow going for me but through the trials and tribulations our communication was becoming better. Our sense of our greater sexual confidence from our awakening was showing. Our confidence in ourselves and our relationship had been tested and we had emerged stronger and better for the quickening. Our sex life improved with more frequency and passion. We became more playful. We became better connected to something sexier in life and our marriage and can even laugh at things that most other couples wouldn’t be able to fathom let alone celebrate (our disastrous meeting with [removed] and [removed] for one.) Over time I found that the nature of what others shared in their open relationships showed pride, connection and support in each other’s personal joy and most have haven risen above base elements of the human condition – fear, jealousy – in turn offered to me a greater perspective and outlook on life. I embrace this aspect of the people and community we have encountered and I am still in awe of the ones who seem to have met and exceeded these challenges in their relationships. My hat is off.

So why did I react as I did? Over the last year I saw us growing and being made stronger from the challenges we faced. But you being more intrinsically adapted to this culture found more outlets for your experiences while I did not. You were supportive for me to also have other contacts but, being more reticent and less communicative than you, I wasn’t as successful in doing so. So I was faced more and more with the differences in how we were evolving – you moving forward with greater and greater confidence with others which helped accelerate your journey while me still struggling to find my acceptance of where we were at and how to move forward. ‘Thrive, not survive’ was the motto I held because I didn’t want to enter this pursuit without the ability to pursue it with gusto. And being of a more reserved nature it was harder and harder to do. I could talk the talk about “progressiveness” and “openness” and “support” for what we were doing but always found reasons to be frozen to action and not move forward with most people we met. I now realize that these were fears of my own choosing and in not being totally honest with you made you misunderstand our cohesiveness. But I was still willing to find those perfect moments with you and chosen others. The experience we’ve had was a good one with people who I felt comfortable with and without jealousy.

So it’s not jealousy that roots me to inaction or to rage. It’s not a threat of another that causes me concern. What I believe happened was that I finally snapped from the pressure to do something that I wasn’t ready for – namely you moving farther and farther forward while I remained static and not progressing: I wasn’t ready to accept this new normal of what you and I were evolving to because I just wasn’t there yet. I came to see what you were doing and how you were progressing as being in a state of imbalance with me and I felt more and more pressure to adapt to newer and bolder ways when I wasn’t ready to. I believe my outburst was my way of venting my frustration to release inside me what it was that I was dealing with and like a compressed spring, I sprung. I’d be lying if I wasn’t hurt that you were corresponding with others and I had to try to cope with these entities taking up some of your affection and attention. I feared that they had surpassed ‘dildo’s with personalities’ and in my mind were becoming more of a presence in our lives that I was comfortable dealing with. These new friends were becoming daily visitors and reminders of the fact that you were progressing farther and farther from me.

That also goes for the sense of imbalance that I thought you were displaying about your pursuits of blogging, nudism and HNT – innocent endeavors but in my mind and more and more they seemed nearer the forefront of our focus and I just needed to break away from the pressure of my inability to connect with these things seemed to present. Why was this hard for me? Why didn’t I embrace the collection of worthy souls and fun pursuits and relish the community they offered? All I can offer is that deep down I wasn’t at the same level as you to find that this was what was needed for my joy. But there have been good moments. Reading their stories. Garnering their wisdom. Creating and posting good pictures. Seeing you blossom into a bold, fearless individual with greater joy and confidence with herself and life. But I think as an occasional diversion these things are more in tune with my interest for them but I felt more and more that you were more enchanted with these activities and therefore evolving past me. I guess I just hit a point where I needed to slam the brakes to curb the pace of what you were moving so fast on with me fading behind.

So where do we go from here? The things I do know are that we love each other deeply and have a truly great relationship. I want you in my life and am overjoyed you are here to provide it the spark, intelligence and good humor it brings. What I do ask from you is understanding. Understanding that I am not like you and it’s not as easy for me to share these same enthusiasms and therefore have my own likes and dislikes and to please not judge me or hold me in contempt for my fears. My inaction is based on my comfort level of what I feel and I’ve found that the opposite is true and when I’m in, I’m all in. I know that you crave and need a connection with others and I will try not to be threatened by things I don’t fully embrace and nor see these things as examples of my failure to keep up or disavow your dreams, hopes and desires. Not to box you in or expect you to change for me is my goal and I will live up to that promise to the best of my ability to make our lives richer and fuller.

Much, much love for you. More than I thought I knew I could.

Vincent

Close the lid

[Aug 8: Update -- Things have been challenging this past week. Very. But we're not down for the count yet. We've been able to get away from everything, refocus on what we do and who we are when we're at our best, rest our souls, and slowly, tenderly, reconnect. We're not out of the woods completely, but there are some very positive signs and we love each other very much. We may still work this out yet.]

I have just had the most fantastic weekend. It was truly joyous and an enormous part of what made it so was more than two years of introspection and personal growth.



I was planning to be a bit more cagey but as you'll see later, there is really no need.



I was at a twenty-five year reunion for a group of people that I performed with for a year in 1985. I was 18, a musician in a band, and with more than 100 people from countries all over the world -- from Canada to South Africa to Japan to Mexico to Poland just to name five of the more than 20 nationalities represented -- we traveled the US, Mexico, and Europe. We were young, idealistic, and in that year developed bonds that have stood the test of time.



At the reunion, years melted away as if they'd never happened. Within moments of each greeting, it was as if we'd picked up exactly where we'd left off a quarter of a century ago and we once again were sharing our mutual successes and hardships. We effortlessly flowed between the mundane "here's what I'm doing now" to our greatest joys to our inner most fears and challenges without fear of being hurt, mocked, or judged, and with nothing but love and support in return. We laughed so hard we hurt. On a few occasions, missing those who've already left or who soon will, we cried as well.



I reconnected with old friends as the new, authentic, and very real me. During the year of travel (as well as many years after), I struggled to fit in, to feel accepted with other people. It's only been in the last year that I realized that distance and emptiness that seemed to permeate so many of my relationships was self-inflicted. It's too much to get into and I have much more important stuff to share but I couldn't connect with others because even though I wanted to be an open loving person, the truth was I was a scared, self-loathing, and harshly judgemental -- mostly of myself.



You can imagine the response as well. For the first time in twenty-five years, I connected with people as fearless, accepting, and with sincere love for who I am and who I saw in others. I actually had something to give -- something worthwhile to those who were hurting -- and something to share. And I didn't hold back. One woman's husband has advanced cancer and she will be a widow and her children will lose their father soon -- she and I are a wickedly funny pair and she wanted/needed to have that back. I am not afraid of death nor of the "conventional" way of dealing with it so I was able to give her what she needed.



A couple of people's marriages are coming apart, one of whom -- who 25 years ago I had an 18-year old's crush on -- said that he knew he was a good father and that he'd tried to be a good husband but he no longer felt like a man because he hadn't been desired in years. I assured him he was desired. Not by sleeping with him of course; that's not the arrangement Vince and I have, but by holding his hand, looking into his eyes, and telling him where he could see and feel it that it wasn't true. And I felt no shame and no guilt. A friend was hurting and I was there for him.



Had Vince and I not come to the place we are I couldn't have done any of that. I would have stayed locked in the box of conventional thinking that says you don't joke about dying and married women not only don't desire men who aren't their husbands but the never, ever fucking tell someone if they do. And these two hurting souls, friends who I love, would continue in pain, isolated in their sorrow, and separated from that which makes us human -- our ability to laugh and to love.



So by the time I got back home on Sunday night and my beloved Vincent picked me up at the airport, I was exhausted (about 4 hours sleep a night) but happy. Vince didn't go so that I could be free to reconnect with old friends without having to explain every anecdote or worry that he was bored. It was a gift of amazing proportion and a sign of our complete and utter devotion. I was able to talk and laugh and flirt as well as totally focus on whoever I was talking to at the moment.



Once, when someone asked if Vince "cared" that I was there by myself, without him I started to reply "Oh, he doesn't care!" but stopped myself and instead said "He cares very much. He cares that I'm happy and having a good time. It matters to him that I'm able to reconnect with all of you. He's not threatened by my friendships with other people. We run our marriage a little differently than most people; we have no secrets. Our communication and love for one another mean we are able to let go of the other, relax, and trust."



I was wrong.



Or rather, he was wrong.



As we drove home from the airport, me a bundle of energy and excitement, talking a mile a minute about how wonderful it was to be "all of me" with that solid bedrock of our love, Vince became a bit snappy. In fact, some of the words he used were quite hurtful.



The next day, after a twelve hour sleep I woke up to a very agitated Vince. As the day went on, the argument got worse. Much worse.



It's too much to share here but the sum of it is that Vince is not okay with who I have become. He says and has said he loves that I'm an open, enthusiastic, smart, and giving person. But apparently, only if it's reserved for him. He loves that I am sincerely and honest, but not if it means I sincerely care about someone else. My enthusiasm is great, except for when it's not directed at him. My affection is his and should be his alone.



Moreover, in spite of the fact he has for the last year told me and acted otherwise, he is not okay with our foray into swinging. But perhaps most importantly, to me at least, he is not okay with my affection for you or anyone else. In fact, that is the straw that broke his back.



Jealousy. And not simply of the sexuality, but rather he is jealous that I actually have genuine affection and yes, love for any one other than him, especially if that someone is a male, it is somehow a loss to him. It is the conventional paradigm -- love is finite, desire (regardless of action) is only reserved for one, friendship that acknowledges attraction is not proper and is disrespectful.



In fact, his jealousy pushed him to do something that I thought was impossible -- betray my trust. I have never lied to him nor hidden anything from him. He had a standing invitation to read my email or text, he reads every blog post before it's posted (except this one). I have never done anything he didn't know about and have always accepted the limits he put on my behavior as we navigated these waters. He has the passwords to everything -- my phone, computer, IveyLane. And yesterday, without my knowledge, he went through my phone and read the texts between myself and my old friend. He read them with no understanding of context and no trust for my judgement.



There were really quite benign. Such a small thing really. But I am devastated. More than the yelling, more than the anger and rage that filled his face as he screamed "you brought this on yourself!" as I was huddled, crying, in the stairwell.



He is tired, he says, of always being "portrayed" the one who is somehow "holding Ivey back." He says he has "eaten whatever shit [I've] dealt out" for over a year. "Who the fuck are these men and why are they in my life?!" he wants to know. He would be quite okay if I only wanted to fuck another woman and more than happy to participate if he get's to "pick her out" but another man "better have something to trade."



I have been, perhaps stupidly, honest throughout this whole experiment into openness. I feel now that is a mistake. Unfortunately, I'm a horrible liar and fairly self-aware. I, naively, believe what people tell me and act on whatever they say. I think actions speak louder than words so when Vince would search the swinger sites, bookmark people, and contact them I believed he was okay and interested.



I've always said that I would not sacrifice my marriage for swinging and I won't. That pursuit is now closed. And since this blog was part of that I'm going to close it as well. Close the blinds, so to speak.



I need to retreat. I need to lick my wounds and examine the mess that is now, to my utter surprise, my marriage and figure out what went wrong and what to do to move forward. Vince and I have no children to bind us together so regardless of whether we love each other if trust and joy are gone then there isn't much left.



Thank you all for you friendship and support. I know that in the conventional world there isn't much support for my perspective, that I am totally in the wrong and that Vincent is right, that I brought this on us. In fact, if our troubles ever come to light with our friends and family, I will clearly be the transgressor. We have been, or so I thought, the perfect couple. But perhaps I'm a better liar than I knew, only I've been lying to myself.



Next to me sits a box and right now I think my marriage and my husband's love is inside it. I have to crawl back in. And close the lid.



Ivey